Survivor

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The Real Douche is Probst

Probst turns to Brendan and asks him what happened to Tempura, who should have kicked ass after the merge with their majority. Brendan says they had too many people and too much dysfunction, blaming it on a clash of the egos between himself, Douche, and Tyson as well as Erinn being perfectly happy to switch over to Jalapeño. Probst turns to Erinn and graciously gives her credit for making the necessary "big move" to advance her position in the game. Erinn looks great, by the way. She says she knew that she had to play this game for herself, and sticking with Tempura put her at the bottom of a six-person totem pole, while flipping over to Jalapeño put her at the bottom of only four. Thank you, Erinn, and we won't be hearing any more from you tonight.

Probst turns to Taj and asks if anyone ever talked about getting rid of J.T. early on, since he was clearly such a social and physical threat. Taj says they didn't, because as far as she was concerned after the merge, it was her, Stephen, and J.T. in the Final Three. In fact, she wouldn't have wanted to win the Final Immunity Challenge because then she would have had to choose between Stephen and J.T. Those choices are difficult when you don't need a million dollars. With that, Probst takes a small wrapped object out of his pocket. Someone has already figured out what it is, and says "gross." Yes, it's J.T.'s tooth, which Probst held onto and probably slept curled up next to every night since it fell out of J.T.'s glorious mouth. Probst unwraps it and we get a nice close-up. It's a piece of tooth, sure enough. He offers it to J.T. again, and once again, J.T. turns it down, although he says his mom might want it. Probst grabs the mic and heads down to J.T.'s nervous, yet very tall, mother. She says she's very proud of him and told him he could win this show for the last three years. And now that he won, she doesn't have to worry about him anymore. She doesn't say she loves him, of course, as we all know she's only said that three times in his entire life. I was expecting her to be a total cold bitch based on that, but she's not. Probst gives her the tooth, and J.T. gets all teary-eyed again.

Back from the break, Probst addresses Taj. He says he never thought the viewers would like Taj, but they loved her. Fuck you, Probst. "I was wrong," Probst admits, as if saying that makes him a big person or something. They put up a picture of Taj and her bandmates back in SWV's glory days, and Probst says she's "right there in the middle." Granted, Taj is wearing big sunglasses in that picture that make her harder to recognize, but she is clearly not the girl in the middle. That's Coko. Taj is on the left, and LeLee is on the right. Taj corrects Probst. "Well, whichever one you are," Probst says. Dude, seriously? You suck x1,000 for not preparing enough for the show ahead of time to get this right in the first place, x5,000 for not being able to tell black people apart, and x1,000,000 for saying "whichever one you are." But Taj is probably used to this kind of treatment from dorky white male talking heads, so she takes it all in stride. I'll be outraged on her behalf. Probst asks Taj how much of a "culture shock" it was for her to go from being a pampered pop star to having to fend for herself with little to no resources. Taj says she grew up in a city, so she had no idea how to fish or start fires or make shelter, but she got used to it pretty quickly and was soon doing lots of those things for herself and her tribemates. Probst then asks her to display her bug bite scars for all the world to see, just to make the humiliation of Taj complete. She does indeed have a lot of scars, and she says her skin used to be her "biggest asset," so it was tough for her to lose it. The skin on her face still looks amazing, though, so she shouldn't be too upset.

Probst says he has some leftover marks too, like "a little bruise" on his arm from where Taj attacked it when she realized that her husband was coming to visit. He asks her why she had such an emotional reaction to seeing her husband after just thirty days away from him, because Probst knows as much about love as he knows how to tell black people apart. Taj says she had never been apart from her family for that long -- not just physically apart, but without a phone call or email or anything. With that, Probst grabs his mic again to go talk to Football Star Eddie George, who has officially gotten more camera time this season than Spencer because the men who work on this show all have obvious giant man-crushes on him. Football Star Eddie George is wearing a very cool Team Taj T-shirt. Probst asks him how proud he was of his wife for being able to rough it out there in Brazil. Football Star Eddie George says he was elated to see her after thirty days, as well as all the weight she lost and "the glow in her eyes" that came from doing something she "really needed to do." But mostly the weight she lost. Probst reminds us all of how Football Star Eddie George started that fire on Exile so quickly. He says he used to be a Royal Ranger, which appears to be some super-Christian form of the Boy Scouts. Probst says to look for Football Star Eddie George as a contestant next season, much to his surprise, and shakes hands with his idol. Simmer down, Probst. We do have some actual contestants this season to talk to. Like just about all of them.

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Survivor

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