Survivor

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It Ain't Over Til The Fat Man Cries

Back from the break, it's time for the Shambo montage! A third of it is devoted to how much Dave Ball hated her, another third is devoted to her hair and the contestants' reactions to it, and the final third is, of course, spent on her own delusions of awesomeness. Probst points out that Shambo is "hard to miss" and asks if she's getting a big reaction from the people on the streets. Shambo says she is, and a very positive one. Well, of course. This is the woman who claimed that people are drawn to her because of how obvious it is that she rocks. She talks about "touching kids' lives" and "riding the wave" of positivity or something. I don't know. I wish people would stop thinking that being on a stupid reality show meant they were qualified to teach others life lessons. Probst claims that his nieces love Shambo, and so he believes that Shambo must be especially popular with children, as they are not yet aware of the fact that mullets are for weirdos. Shambo claims that her fans are many and of all ages, not just children. She's so popular that sometimes she has trouble doing her job because people keep trying to talk to her. Shambo is bigger than the Beatles! She can't go out in public! Mass hysteria all over Seattle! Catch Shambo Fever!

Probst asks Shambo about her infamous hair as we see a picture of a young Shambo on screen. It's 1986 and Shambo is 22 years old and rocking the same mullet with headband look she has today. "Oh dear God," Shambo says upon seeing the picture. Probst asks her over and over again what year the picture was taken even though it says 1986 right there, so we have to hear not only the year but also where the picture was taken and what was going on at the time: she's in Okinawa, Japan, playing in a Marine Corps. softball game. What! So she did play softball after all? But she was so bad at any and all softball-related challenges! "Wow, 23 years?" Probst asks, even though he already knew this because he freaking asked her about it on the show two weeks ago. Shambo says her mullet actually started in 1984. But that means this year marked the 25th anniversary of Shambo's mullet! Surely they had a parade in Seattle to celebrate.

Probst then asks Shambo and Laura about their difficult relationship, which Probst claims was one of the most talked about this season. I guess it was, since there were no other relationships to really talk about. Shambo says that she and Laura are both independent and strong women, so they had to basically establish a pecking order from Day 1. Shambo illustrates this point by imitating a chicken, because that's what she loves to do. Laura seems to think that Shambo was saying that they actually did make chicken sounds and refutes this so that the audience may laugh at Shambo before saying that she thinks the root of her and Shambo's problems were that everyone on Galu thought that Grandma Laura was the strongest woman on their tribe and not Shambo the Marine. "I think that's probably kind of hard to hear," she says. Also, she had a maternal bond with the girls on their tribe while Shambo, being only half a woman with her non-child-havingness, did not. So basically, Shambo is being diplomatic and saying they're both proud strong women who each wanted to be in charge, while Laura is saying that Shambo, her womb barren, was jealous of Laura's awesomeness. Laura, you suck. Probst asks what their relationship is like today. "We've exchanged a few messages," Laura says. "WOW, that said everything," Probst interrupts, as if he really expects everyone on this show to be the best of friends afterwards like he was with Colby. Also Julie for a while. Laura and Shambo will never be friends but they did agree to forgive each other or whatever and that's that.

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Survivor

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