Episode Report CardMiss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
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Sylvia gets just enough time to say the name of a show on HGTV called Extreme Building, which has selected a house she worked on to be featured at some point. I hope she enjoyed her moment. At least she got to dominate the early episodes, if only by being bossy and annoying. Hey, Erica, was that frustrating? "It was very frustrating!" Jessica, did you make friends? She did, because after she got voted out, the other people there were really cool! That's all we have that we'd like to ask you; go away. You might -- you might -- get a table at Dolce. Next up: the "sneak peek" at the next destination. When we come back, Jeff tells us that we're headed to...China! And here's how the preview of next season goes: Shots of tropical islands. (You won't be seeing that.) Jeff says we're leaving the tropical islands at last. (So...that makes sense, then.) Shots of mountains. (You might see that.) Shots of the Great Wall. (Probably not.) Shots of...monks? With lamps? Walking along the Great Wall? (Definitely not.) "This...is China!" A big, bustling, sped-up city in China. (Not.) A busy street in China. (Not.) Chinese characters dancing across the street. (Oh my God.) A man writing. (Not.) Dragon heads. (Not.) Gold Buddhas. (Not.) A canal between two buildings in a city. (Not.) A gargoyle. (Not.) A giant statue. (Not.) The Great Wall again. (Not.) More statues. (Not.) HEY! Islands. Maybe this has something to do with the show, and not just clips lifted from the Travel Channel. For a precious few seconds, we see what may actually be the location of the show on some mysterious lake or something, and then...a tiger. God knows you can't show anything about China without a tiger. Fuck the tiger, man. And fuck the panda he rode in on, who is seen after him, and the snow leopard after that. I have nothing bad to say about the monk ringing the giant bell, except that he has nothing to do with the show. And then there are shots of groups people doing various things -- rowing a dragon boat, dancing, and battling with sticks, and none of this has jack to do with the show, unless they have decided to cast Survivor: China entirely with Chinese people. We get another couple of shots of actual deserted settings, but then it's back to a totally irrelevant shot of guys with swords, whipping their swords in unison. Okay, seriously? What do martial arts and a city in China have to do with Survivor? It's like an entire preview that answers the question, "But what will the show be near?" "Well, it'll be near this! And this! And this! The show is being filmed near all kinds of exciting things!" NOBODY CARES. God. They'll never learn. They should make me the official No Lady of this show. All I would do all day is say, "...No." And things would immediately improve. STARTING WITH TOURIST SHOTS OF CHINA. God.