MONDO EXTRAS

Bryant uses the threat of violence to segue into his introduction. Sixteen castaways. An hour of juicy advertising opportunities. One ugly-ass SUV and a million-dollar prize. Uncomfortable-looking furniture. It's the Survivor reunion. Bryant calls it a kind of tribal council. I call it a set that Bob Goldthwait should come out and set fire to with a tiki torch.

Oh by the way, Big Brother is still on, six nights a week. Because we care.

A swing shot of the stage and the audience accompanied by the Survivor credits music gives me the weird sensation that Oprah is on the war path and she's going to come out and kill everybody. Instead, we get introductions of the cast. We start with "Sonja Christopher and her ukulele." Sonja's wishing she could have brought it so she could introduce the bridge to Mr. Gumbel's rectum. Some of them get titles identifying them by profession. Others, like Dirk, get "Bible-toting virgin" as a means of introduction. Now, I'm not saying I was his biggest fan, but that just plain sucks.

After the first group is introduced, we get the jurors. Greg and Jenna are introduced quickly and then Bryant calls Gervase, "Gervase 'never nervous' Peterson" and Colleen, "America's Sweetheart." My cat calls for some more litter with which to express her opinion on the show so far.

Bryant disses a bit on Sean's alphabet strategy and his final vote. He asks about Sean's comments on voting for the "least objectionable person." Sean sets his phaser to "justify" and gives props to Rich on setting up the alliance. He also calls Rich "Darth Gayder," to which Rich responds with a maniacal grin. You know, Sean, not to be talking smack or anything, but I get the feeling that when you try to come out all pro-gay in your comments, that you're starting to have about as much credibility in doing so as Eminem. Just thought you should know.