Welcome to three hours of Gabon! Will Bob continue his challenge domination? Will Sugar continue to play this game like it's for $10.00 instead of $1,000,000? Will Susie get more than two words to say? Will the reunion show be as disappointing as it always is? Time to find out!
I will not miss the recycled nature shots at all. Either you have enough footage to show all new nature shots every week, or you don't show fifty-seven nature shots each episode and fill the time with footage of the actual contestants instead. It's that simple. Because this is the finale, we get an animal version of Survivor. A gorilla chills out in the field. A herd of deer-like creatures drink water. Then some asshole elephant charges up and yells at everyone and they all run away. Probst reminds us that eighteen Americans came to Gabon, where they were at the mercy of dangerous animals that never came near them except for one time when two of them rowed into an elephant like idiots. He says they were as far away from civilization as a person could possibly be. This simply isn't true. It's called Antarctica. Or how about Tristan da Cunha, the most isolated place in the world?
And now, the Fang-bashing. I'd like to say it's the last time we'll hear it this season, but I'm sure the reunion show will be chock-full of goodies. Anyway, Kota was amazing and won everything. Fang sucked. Then there was a tribe switch (Probst doesn't mention the first tribe switch, as it hurts his cause that Kota was so great from the very beginning), and Kenny and Crystal used "superior strategy" to vote Marcus out, thereby ending Kota's superiority. "The powerful twosome" even "added insult to injury" by making Randy play a fake idol even though he was sure to be voted out anyway. Is he saying that Ken and Crystal did that? Because they didn't. I saw that episode. Like, more than once. Corinne was voted out, and then Crystal was, too, although Probst doesn't even mention her. Now we're left with five. There's Susie, whoever that is. Probst gives her credit where it's due for being the reason why Fang was able to get rid of Kota (aside, of course, from Kota themselves, who screwed themselves over by telling Susie she was at the bottom of their alliance). Probst says Susie is "considered weak" at individual challenges (by Probst, but not by me. SUSIE = CHALLENGE MONSTER!), but did manage to win one. Then there's Matty, whose physical strength hasn't helped him one bit since the merge, and didn't do much for him before it, either. Sugar pretends she doesn't know how to play the game and spent most of it on Exile "Island," but has been the vital swing vote at almost every Tribal Council. Bob is old, but wins like every single challenge. Bob says the AARP will soon be calling and asking him to represent them. Okay, that was funny. By the way, AARP, could you please stop sending me membership cards? It's not going to happen. Not for another thirty years. Also, Bob underestimates his commercial appeal. Surely, Michael's will be knocking on his door as well. And finally, there's Ken, the video game player who's been to eleven tribal councils and is still here. And he thinks a lot of himself for it.