Probst collects the urn and teleports to Los Angeles and the live reunion show (except not so live for me, as I'm on the West Coast). The Final Three are looking good, with Susie sporting glasses, Bob still rocking the beard and a bowtie (but with tragically bad hair), and Sugar showing us all why she's a pin-up model. She looks great! Unlike last season, when Amanda and Parvati got back home and put on way too much makeup and looked awful. Anyway, Sugar is cool, calm, and collected because she knows she has no hope of winning. Susie has been given terrible lighting, and Bob looks like he's going to crap his pants.
Probst reads the votes. One vote for Bob. The crowd goes wild. One vote for Susie. The crowd goes slightly less wild, but still wild. There's a second vote for Susie, cast in Ken's unique handwriting. Susie looks confused and reassures Bob that he will win. There's a third vote for Susie, and she shakes her head and tries not to be hopeful. There's no way you won, Susie. They edited you out of the entire show! Bob gets second vote and a third. Two of the Bob votes had a Kota Triangle on them, and there's one vote left, so I think we can all guess who it's for. Probst says that if it's for Sugar, they'll have a tie. But we won't, because there's one stupid Kota triangle vote left, and it's for Bob. Bob runs off the stage and hugs his family. Meanwhile, Randy decides to shout "kiss my ass!" again and his mic is loud enough for it to make it on TV. The censors try to bleep him out, but totally miss. So we all hear him say "kiss my ass" and then there's a few seconds of no sound at all, which only brings more attention to the kiss my ass. Ha ha ha! Randy's kiss my ass got in the show after all. As Probst plays us out to the reunion show, saying that Bob is the oldest and one of the most well-liked winners in this show's history, Susie totally makes Randy hug her. And that's it for this season except for the reunion show! Sugar deserved to win, but chose to basically hand it to Bob, so there you go. She's an actress and she played the game that way. If you don't like it, complain to the people who keep recruiting pretty model/actors over actual applicants.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org, especially if your name is Crystal. Crystal rules.