Survivor

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Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
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If Your Father Dies, Don't Tell Corinne

Sugar and Ken go for a walk. She says if Bob doesn't win today, he's gone. If he does, then Susie's gone. Then it'll be Ken, Matty, and Sugar as the Final Three. Ken says he's determined Bob won't win today. They open the treemail to find some craft supplies and face paint and head back to camp. Ken tells us that he felt like Sugar blindsided him last night, but after talking to her today, he feels comfortable that she wants to take him to the Final Three. Was he not paying attention when she said "Matty take this cursed thing away" at the last Tribal Council? Does he not realize that that was a big old fuck you? How can people possibly underestimate Sugar this late in the game after everything she's done? And yet, they do. It's amazing.

Ken reads the clue. It rhymes, and the last four lines are:

An amazin' chance you've got
An amazin' trip you're on
An amazin' shot at a million bucks
If you conquer amazin' Gabon.

No, I don't know why they dropped the g from amazing. All I know is that "Gabon" is clearly supposed to rhyme with "on," but Ken pronounced it "Ga-bone." Dumbass.

Amazin'ly, we actually hear from Susie, who says it feels great to be in the Final Five. She adds that it's Day 37, and they have a challenge coming up. I guess I know why we don't hear much from Susie. But if the next challenge involves stating the obvious, she has a great chance to make it to the Final Four. Susie goes on to say that they were given face paint and beads and stuff in five different colors for them to use to dress themselves up as warriors. She says this with a great, "why are they making us do this cheesy bullshit?" expression on her face that is probably another reason why we don't hear much from her. Survivor takes itself too seriously for you to make fun of its sacred and meaningless ceremonies. Meanwhile, you know that no one's going to dress up at all since Bob has already stolen everything to make 750 fake idols.

Oh, the challenge looks like a fun! It's a maze. It's two mazes, in fact. I guess if there are two mazes then grammar rules state that you must drop the G in treemail clues. The contestants arrive wearing their new warrior outfits, and Probst claims to be impressed. I'm not. Sugar has, like, a bow in her hair and a lightning bolt painted on her cheek. This isn't the face painting station at the fair, Sugar! Meanwhile, Matty has turned his fabric into a loincloth, which I have no problems with. Probst asks him if it was fun turning himself into a character. Matty says he feels and looks like he's lost his mind. Probst tells him not to worry about that, since Bob, who looks like he just came from the set of Zardoz, is surely the one who's going to get the most grief from the people back home. Yeah, well, that already happened several episodes ago when he walked around in his underwear. Every week, I wonder how his little high school physics students must feel, watching their old teacher on TV practically naked. Bob reacts to Probst's comment with what might be a limp wrist, and Probst calls his outfit "very Village People," a.k.a. GAY. Either say it and own your homophobia, or don't. Preferably, don't.

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Survivor

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