Phillip may have disposed of his underwear, but he has managed to look just as ridiculous without them, as he arrives at Tribal wearing his blanket/chief robes and feather headband. The nine jurors arrive, and Ashley gets a second of screentime to shoot furious glares at those who betrayed her. She somehow manages to do this without cracking up at the sight of Phillip next to them, so, good for her. Probst congratulates the Final Three and recites his traditional speech about how the power in this game will now shift to the jury. The Final Three will each have a chance to make their opening statements, two thirds of which will be absolute disasters, before the jurors yell at them and call them names and say they did horrible things just for money, like they all wouldn't have done the same thing if they had the chance.
Natalie's speech is first. She says she played the "best game that [she] could" and her true strength was her social skills and figuring out the best person to align with. Oh. She thinks that she was the one who chose to align with Rob? She says she and Rob had an alliance from the start and sticking with him got her all the way to the end of the game. She concludes by saying that if she wins, she'd be the youngest female to win this game. She'd actually be the youngest person period to win this game period, but it's not like she would know that, having never seen this show before. Also, that was a pretty crappy opening statement but I didn't really expect anything better from Natalie.
Phillip goes next because Probst wants his precious Rob to have the final say. Here is Phillip's chance to tell everyone that this was all an act and he's not crazy and just played them all so everyone would want to take him to the end. Here is his chance to make that argument he promised us would give him the win over Rob. But he doesn't. And with that, this season officially totally sucked. He says he had a strategy for this game but had to change it when Rob was placed in his tribe. Then he wanted to vote Rob out but couldn't, so he apologized to Rob for that and Rob, benevolent god that he is, graciously accepted Phillip's apology. "I wouldn't be sitting here right now if it weren't for Boston Rob," Phillip says. This seems like a terrible argument for why Phillip should win anything, but maybe he's hoping that the jury will blame Rob for basically inflicting Phillip on all of them and not vote for Rob out of spite. Phillip then talks about his ridiculous Stealth R Us "concept" that he credits for being the reason why Onomatopoeia was able to stick together so closely and take out Zapato. "[Rob's] true name was The Mastermind," Phillip continues; "he came up with the whole concept on how we should go forward and I implemented it." Most of the jurors are burying their heads in their hands at this point. Phillip finishes by saying that Stealth R Us and his loyalty to Rob got him to the end. How is that an argument for why he should win? There were so many other, better things he could have said. Things he actually has said in interviews on this show! Why didn't he say any of them here? I will never understand him. I probably don't want to, either.