Shark Attack

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
Jenna Jumps

Birds fly. Fish swim. Hatch is out at low tide, looking for food. He explains that it was early morning, and that he went to track down breakfast -- possibly one of the "enormous stingrays" now wiggling its way across the ocean floor. He says that he saw some of the rays, but that he wasn't able to get to them quickly. No fins, you know. Also, his spear is blunt. [Cough.] He comments that he was determined to bring back something: "You bring in a fish, you get some smiles." He dives down again (how did they have all this water camera stuff set up, is what I want to know) and finds a shark underneath a rock ledge. He says he wanted the shark, but decided just to watch the situation and see how it developed. He even drops the spear. He explains that his thoughts then finally turned down the path of "screw it." He goes down under the water and grabs the shark with his hand. Yeah, the shark. So the shark is pretty strong, but it's really pretty little (I mean, it's fish-sized, as opposed to being some huge sharky thing), and for a while, they are at an impasse. Hatch is pulling and the shark is pulling and the shark has itself wedged against the ledge. So Hatch eventually decides to go after it with the spear, so he retrieves the spear and gives a stab. Once he's poked it, he tries to pull it out from under the rock, and it is apparently at this point that he lets go of the head, and the shark wheels around and bites him on the arm, and clamps down but good. Rather inexplicably, Hatch claims that he then spent half an hour floating around with the shark attached to his arm (as the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out, all he needed to do was get it out of the water, and it would presumably die ["Thank you!" -- Wing Chun]), at which point he brought it over to a rock and bashed it on the rock. So he pretty much caught the shark by provoking it to bite him. Aside from the fact that it involves a naked guy swimming around with a sharp-toothed shark a foot and a half from his testicles, I didn't find this sequence quite as riveting as other people did. And I didn't find it nearly as exciting as Hatch did. Because...I mean, you know the expression, "You wouldn't know [blank] if it walked up and bit you"? Well, that shark walked up and bit him. I mean, he yanked on it, it bit him, he clubbed it. You'll notice that in telling the story to the camera, Hatch makes no mention of biting the shark.

Hatch returns to camp and shows the rest of the kids his bite mark, which looks red and nasty, but which I really don't think was a particularly severe injury, considering that it doesn't seem to be bleeding and doesn't even seem to require a Band-Aid. And the shark's teeth, when Hatch displays them, look very teeny, like the cutting teeth on a Saran Wrap package, which means I totally believe that having that thing bite you would hurt like a son of a bitch, but it's not going to actually damage you. He recounts the story to the tribe, and all of a sudden, it has a part in it where he bites the shark back. He claims to be showing them bite marks, but I have no idea when those occurred, and he certainly didn't indicate when he told the story to the camera that he bit the shark. Colby, hearing the story, says, "Is it possible to call a gay man a stud?" Oh, Colby, enough, seriously. The tribe gives Hatch the big "you're a provider" stuff that he badly wants, so everybody walks away from the story happy. In an interview, Shii Ann calls Hatch a "fishing god," and goes on to talk about how amazing and "Hemingwayesque" she found his encounter with the shark. What I can't believe is how credulous Shii Ann is, considering what a known bullshit artist Hatch is and how transparently obsessed he is with his own mythology. Did it ever occur to Shii Ann to question any of the details of the story? know, it should have. As Jenna and Shii Ann watch Hatch later, they say to each other that he is "impressive." "I mean, he may not be impressive downstairs," Shii Ann says over another shot of him and the Blur of Mercy, "but he's very impressive in other ways." I think between this and the Dalton Ross revelations, the littleness of the Hatchling is turning into its own plot point. Delightful.

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