Survivor

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Probst Hates Fang

Before the second round starts, Ace tells Paloma she should hug the pole instead of Sugar. "Okay," she nods, even though she told us she wasn't going to bow down to Ace like everyone else. For round two, Bob and Sugar will be trying to remove Susie while Randy and Crystal will be going for Paloma. Um ... huh? Shouldn't it be two women going after one woman? Why the co-ed? My guess is that was how it was supposed to be, but then Fang lost two women so they didn't have enough. Bad news for everyone: Randy took his shirt off. Probst begins the match and then announces that it looks "uneven," because if Fang should happen to win, it's only because it was "uneven." Shut up, Probst. Crystal and Randy get Paloma off the pole easily while Susie clings to it with her child-bearing hips. Paloma struggles like anything not to be dragged across the line, and Randy yells at her, saying "you're done!" With an angry war cry from Crystal, they get her across and Fang gets a point.

For the last round, we have Dan and Ace back at the poles while Matty and Crystal and Marcus and Bob will be the attackers. That means it's finally Crystal's chance to show us why she won that gold medal! Probst starts things off by putting Fang down yet again, saying Kota doesn't want Fang to know what victory tastes like while Fang is "desperate" for their first win. Shut up, Probst. Kota seems to have the edge in the beginning, as they get Dan off the pole while Ace's legs are still wrapped around his. But he's not yawning and rolling his eyes this time, is he? Dan manages to get an arm back around his pole as Crystal and Matty get Ace completely off of his. Ace tries to escape and run back to the pole, so Matty jumps on top of him, leaving Crystal to drag both men -- which she does, no problem. Yeah, Crystal! She's an athlete after all! Meanwhile, Dan screams to Crystal that he can't hold on much longer. For a scary second, Ace almost breaks free from Crystal and Matty right before they get him across, but then he yawns or something and can't do it. Matty uses the material of Ace's jeans (Dan, smartly, took his pants off for this challenge, probably for this very reason) as a handle and drags him across the line. Fang wins! Take that, Probst! They are all ecstatic except for G.C., who tells Probst he cannot tell him who did or did not win. G.C. will decide that on his own, and no one can stop him.

Probst gets the teams back on the mats and notes that this was an emotional win for Crystal. She sobs that she had to fight like a warrior, but it was worth it. True that -- she and Dan rocked this challenge, while Ace got beaten by a girl. Ha ha ha! Prat. Fang decides to send Sugar to Exile "Island." Sugar says she knew they'd pick her because they think she's stupid. Whoa -- they didn't say you were stupid. Thou doth protest too much. "But they haven't talked to me yet," Sugar says, as if listening to her giggle and say things like "this is really Africa!" and "Ace will take care of me!" would give someone the impression that she had a brain, or even a tiny nub of a brain stem. Probst sends Sugar and Kota away and gives Fang an insincere "nice job" as they pick up their reward.

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Survivor

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