Can you believe it's been 10 years since this show premiered and then patted itself on the back for creating the reality TV genre that was actually around for quite some time before? That's 10 years since Jeff Probst was only known as the guy who hosted that lame Rock and Roll Jeopardy show on VH1. 10 years since the world first knew that homosexuals and Navy SEALS could bond over their shared hatred of everyone else. And 8 years since this show was cool. How the world has changed in those 10 years! And yet, this show has remained pretty much the same. Case in point: we're celebrating 10 years and 20 seasons of Survivor with a bunch of contestants we've seen before -- in many cases more than once -- many of whom we were hoping never to see again. Case in point in point: here's Probst, who greets us with various sites of the South Pacific that have been featured on past Survivor seasons. Because nothing says you're pulling out the stops and going all-out on a 20th season like recycled footage! Probst claims that Survivor is "the most difficult" and "groundbreaking" show on TV. I'm sure that neither of those statements are true.
And here come helicopters full of Survivor contestants past! Yes, there's the stupid dragon tattoo of Coach "Douche" Wade, who I really thought I was rid of forever. And there's the tie-dyed shirt of Rupert, who I was hoping I'd never have to deal with in the first place. Oh, and there's Parvati, making her third freaking appearance on this show. I like Parvati and all, but I don't understand why she and some other contestants are on this show for a third time when there are plenty of other awesome past contestants who haven't gotten to come back for a second. Like Twila. But Probst claims that these contestants are 10 of our "favorite heroes" and 10 of "the most notorious villains." Um, what are Cirie and Sugar doing on the "heroes" side? And why is Douche in the "villain" tribe? He thought he was the most honest and true hero in his entire season, maybe in the history of the game. It wasn't true, but still. I see they've put Racist Randy back on the show, which pleases me only because he got to come back as a "notorious villain" and not Corrine. Rupert gets the first interview, saying "in my world, I've always tried to show that good will win." I wish he'd try to show us that it's possible to keep a beard neatly trimmed or wear something besides tie-dye. Li'l Russell kicks off what is sure to be copious amounts of camera time for him by saying he's proud to be a villain because villains are smart, and you can Google that fact if you don't believe it. Because the internet is all about honest-to-god true facts. Like how I, Sara Morrison, am a 5'11" supermodel with a Ph.D in astrophysics and an Oscar. Google it! It's there now!