Survivor

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Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
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One Decade Older, If Not Wiser

After the credits, we have to hear from Rupert again, who says he's excited for the game to begin again. Meanwhile, Douche is pretending to shoot an arrow out of his helicopter while Sandra, seated beside him, no doubt thinks "what the fuck are you doing, weirdo?" Incidentally, this season I find myself not hating Douche as much as I did the last time. I know! I don't get it, either. Amanda says she feels like you do right before you bungee jump. I wouldn't know what that feels like because I've never bungee jumped. I will when I'm old enough that if I die doing something so frivolous, it won't really matter. Same with skydiving. Look for me on the senior citizen extreme sports circuit in about fifty years. Also, why is Amanda here? Why not someone from the Micronesia season who hasn't gotten a second chance come on instead? Like Natalie. I really want to see her again. Remember how she didn't exist until like the last five episodes of the season, when she suddenly became a homicidal maniac? That was the best. Oh, how I miss that season.

Probst pretends that he has the authority to direct the helicopters on where to land and the contestants walk onto the beach. The Heroes are first, all ten standing on their little blue mat and hugging each other hello and acting like they had no idea who would be here with them. And here come the Villains, their helicopters awesomely spraying sand all over the Heroes tribe. Jerri is the first off, and she gets some Wicked Witch of the West-esque music to accompany her entrance. Jerri gives Li'l Russell a big hug hello like she knows who he is, even though I don't think his season had even begun airing yet when this was filmed. With both tribes on their mats wearing, yet again, those stupid color-coded clothes because the audience is too stupid to identify who is on which tribe without them, Probst officially welcomes them to the 20th season of the show, which he claims is "the greatest adventure game in the history of television." Obviously, he's forgetting about Legends of the Hidden Temple, but whatever. Of fucking course, he talks to Li'l Russell first, asking him how it feels to be one of the ten most notorious villains this show has ever had. Well, one of the ten most notorious villains who aren't so notorious and so villain-y that their probation terms won't let them leave the country to appear on the show. Li'l Russell says he's in awe of his fellow contestants and happy to "finally" have a chance to play this game with people who respect it. Meanwhile, just behind Li'l Russell, Jerri is pulling all kinds of awesome faces. Probst asks Rob the same question, to which Rob says "I'm a villain?" Probst then turns to another one of his favorites, Rupert, and says he's "one of the most popular" contestants this show has ever had. That's not even a question, but whatever. Rupert says it's an honor and he's happy to be a Hero blah blah blah. Probst talks to Tom next, reminding us that he was also very popular and won his season. He says America isn't always happy with the million-dollar winner and we get a shot of Parvati. Huh? I don't remember people being especially angry that she won over Amanda. Tom realistically says that despite his tribemates being labeled "heroes," he's not counting on them all playing like that, and vice versa for the villains. Probst then addresses Colby, saying that he was so popular that people apparently named their children after him. They did? I guess a lot of eight/nine-year-olds have stupid parents who watch too much television. Colby says that's cool. Like he and Probst didn't rehearse this whole thing right before they left. Aren't they best friends or something? Probst then asks J.T. if he's intimidated by his tribemates. He says he is since he watched many of these people compete on the show when he was just in high school and he's probably the youngest contestant there. Way to make everyone feel old, J.T.

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Survivor

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