Smoking Out The Snake

Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | 4 USERS: C
Snake and Rat Redux

Last week on Survivor, we endured The Clip Gyp. The week before that the tribes merged into Mofo Maji, and Clarence got voted out. Nine are left, at least one of whom is psychotic because he received a vote at last week's Tribal Council.

It's Day 21 at Mofo Maji. We see shots of the sun, the racing landscape, a skull, and Lex. In the background, someone -- I think Ethan -- exclaims, "I'm telling ya -- thirty chickens!" I don't know what that's all about, but then Lex Loser begins his diabolical tangent and so we'll never know. He tells us in a confessional that when Mofo Maji went to last night's Tribal Council they "kind of" had a "unanimous consensus" that they'd all vote together for Clarence. "Kind of" and "unanimous" don't really go together. Regardless, he says he was surprised to receive two votes and that he was "pissed off" and "furious." He thought Clarence might vote for him, but that the second vote surprised him. Kelly and Lex Loser sit side by side and count off names of the people they're sure did not cast the vote: they discount themselves immediately and also Tom and Ethan. In a confessional, Lex Loser says, "The person that threw that vote at me, and that now chooses to hide, torques me." "Torque" is not a verb. Toque is Wing Chun's sister. Lex Loser continues ranting that he's been unable to figure out who voted for him in order to "smoke 'em out right away." He announces to Kelly, "I will not live with a snake. I will cut the head off of whoever it is that did this." He says whoever "poisoned this" -- that "scheming mind" -- is going down next; in addition, he proclaims, "That is just the way it is. I'm gonna take 'em out. And I'm gonna slit their fucking throats." Lex is funny. Funny, that is in a terrifying, keeps-me-up-at-night sort of way.

In a confessional, Kelly tells us that Lex Loser is being a "total jerk." She says, "What do you expect in this game? I mean, I'm sorry someone voted against you, Mr. Ego. Deal with it." Kelly's on to him: Mr. Ego must be Lex Loser's alter ego! Lex Loser then forces Kelly to swear on her brother, his name, and on both her parents that she didn't vote for him. She says she would swear to that, and Lex Loser want to know if she would swear to it or if she actually is swearing to it. Oh, that pesky auxiliary verb wordplay. They then pinky swear. Except they don't. But they might as well. Kelly says in a confessional, "It really wasn't me, but screw you, Lex [Loser], if you're gonna sit here and yell at me, like you're my dad and I'm five and I just spilled cookies, for something I didn't do." Now Brandon has joined Lex Loser and Kelly on their log. Kelly asks him if he slept well, and he exclaims, "I did! I'm a pretty happy camper." Lex Loser manically swats at imaginary flies. Or maybe he has a tick. Not the kind Lindsey had on her butt. Brandon says in a confessional that the vote Lex Loser is upset by is "inconsequential" to the game, and that the obsession has "so much to do with Lex Loser's ego." He tells us, "Somebody was just screwin' with his head and it worked. Makes me wish I had done it." Hee. Kimj's announcement that she's going to make soup for breakfast does little to break up the monotony of Lex Loser's montage of obsession. He tells us that at this point in the game he's worried because there's a "snake amongst [them], and [he doesn't] know who it is." He's worried because that person could "act like a cancer and start rotting [Boran's] plans from the inside out." He says "smoke 'em out" about fifteen time in three seconds.

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