Something Cruel Is About To Happen…Real Soon

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 14 USERS: A+
The One Where One Tribe Has A Toilet
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

The Jeff Probst Seaplane Of Branded Virility drifts over your basic Expanse Of Blue Water, and then we cut to this strange-looking tableau featuring a peak with a perch in the background, and a giant skull in the foreground. Television, you see, is here to eat your brain and leave nothing but the bones. The seaplane, it turns out, is flying over a boat that contains -- aha! -- the season's castaways. Or "survivors." Or whatever you want to call them instead of "people teetering on the brink of unemployment, unless they have tenure." Inside the plane, we join Jeff "Fourteenth Verse, Same As The First" Probst, who tells us that we are in the Fiji Islands, and of course, this area is known for cannibalism. But the problem is that Jeff always claims that wherever they're going, there have been cannibals. I think Burnett is at risk here of becoming The Boy Who Cried This Season We Will Poach Someone In His Own Gravy. What I love is that when they discuss cannibalism, they show a (probably fake) skeleton, but it's propped up, like the guy died sitting up, and they just baked him and carved him like that. Also, there are bats. Bats! As we watch a shark actually eat a fish (awesome shot), Jeff says that the islands are spectacular and lush and threatening and all the things that make for a great season. Supposedly. Jeff calls the contestants an "Xtreme cross-section" (my spelling, courtesy of the influence of the awesome Monster Energy Pipeline Pro, which I recently attended, because I am nothing if not a connoisseur of energy drinks and surfing) of society. A "former homeless street performer"! A Harvard lawyer! They know nothing about what's going to happen! In fact, Jeff explains, one person quit right when things were about to start. Good job on the psych screenings, geniuses. I guess not everybody is cut out for three weeks of sand in her crotch. At any rate, Exile Island has returned, and this time, it has sea snakes! Which may or may not be bad for you (Jeff claims they're "deadly"), but they're good on camera. Another change: there are two hidden immunity idols this time. As usual, we get a lot of close-ups of skulls. Somebody associated with this show has a real thing for skulls. Like, a real thing. A "cornering the market on prop skulls" thing. A "scary basement" thing. "Thirty-nine days, nineteen people, one survivor!" Jeff yells out of the plane in his usual swooping fashion. So, right. "Nineteen people." That would be a cast of twenty, minus the quitter, whom Jeff Probst probably has on his endless shit list, alongside Osten.

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