Sour Grapes

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Romance Is in the Heir

A full moon reveals the boat chugging up the river as Matthew voice-overs that they were "whisked up the Amazon" and dropped at a torch-lit dock. He boasts that he "had a feeling" they'd follow the torches through the jungle, as opposed to fumbling around in the dark. He very seriously explains, "She clung to me. She was really scared." We see the clinging and the scared, except not so much as he makes it out to be. Matthew continues explaining that they followed the torches to a clearing in the jungle and a table covered with food and drink. Matthew jumps up and down in excitement when he spots a plate of fried chicken, demonstrating that a visit from Colonel Sanders might have been much harder to give up than the visit from his mom. As he uncorks the wine, he promises, "It's just the two of us, Mom. It's gonna be a romantic evening." And even if he's kidding -- which I'm sure he is -- it's still a creepy thing to say. In an interview, he explains that he and his mother have a great relationship and it's not the "traditional mother-son relationship." No kidding, with the whole "romantic" thing. Matthew's mother reveals that she's missed him "awfully," which surprises him. She announces that she talks to him when he's not even there, and he likes that. She then orders him not to be "too formal." He asks if he's being too formal, and she calmly responds, "Just a bit." Honestly, I really wanted to like Matthew's mother, but she creeped me out a bit, too. Why is she worried about how formal they come off? I wouldn't go back to my room for a shower with these two around.

Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe drunkenly unloads food they brought back from the reward. Rob asks, "Are we having a bathing suit party yet?" and what in God's good name is a "bathing suit party"? We then pan over to Christy, who's lamenting having gotten her foot stuck in a tree and trying all Three Stooges-style to pull it out. Except that since no one even tries to help her, it's more One Stooge than anything else. As they celebrate, Rob voice-overs that they were all in good moods after seeing their families, and not thinking about the game. Christy exclaims that she's happy to have seen all their loved ones, but seeing Butch and Cindy together was particularly pleasing to her. Butch says that all he wanted to do was hug his wife; he then preachily slurs that it should have made them feel good, "and that's what life's about." Rob interviews that Butch was "an absolute disaster." He doesn't know how much Butch drank, but "he got crazy." As we see Christy trying to help Butch into bed, jazzy music starts playing in the background accompanied by a few, random boinging sound effects. Rob announces that he told his mother he hadn't showered in thirty-one days, while Jenna seems pleased that she showed her dad her hairy legs. Rob interviews that the tribe drank about five bottles of wine, and he's now wearing a Speedo. In night-vision cam, our angle swings around to show the girls seated with Rob's package looming in the foreground. He adds that the girls are in bikinis and "it's like a rap video." A rap video with vomit, apparently, as we witness a dry heaving Butch. As HeiDDi orders Jenna to "pass the wine, baby!" Rob wonders why it smells so bad around camp, and Jenna responds that it's probably vomit. Rob manically interviews that they'd been drinking for a while, and some people had to go to bed. He tells us, "And I had a feeling that at least one of those two people soiled themselves." We see the passed-out -- and possible self-soiled -- Butch, as the others discuss how gag-worthy the odor is. Rob insists that it's the worst thing he's smelled in thirty-one days. HeiDDi yells, "Crap! I can't handle that!"

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