Survivor
Survivor Season 2 The Australian Outback: The Greatest And Most Outrageous Moments

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Survivor II: The So-So and Most Mediocre Moments!

Suddenly we're viewing Debb's audition tape. She says that she lives for competition, and that Survivor is everything she's ever wanted. Except for her stepson. It's really hard not to go there. Debb says that she works at a prison, and that all the prisoners are rooting for her. She then says that one of her better qualities is the ability to get along with anyone. Anyone, that is, except...well, everyone. Back at Kucha camp, there's a rumor in the air about Debb. I originally thought the others had somehow discovered her illicit love child of a different sort, but it's something far more scandalous than that: Debb farts. Not only does she fart, but she denies having done so. Debb is upset at being picked on, and doesn't want to say the word "fart." She wants to know why it's wrong to be modest, which is not a word I would have thought to use in relation to Debb. Jeff has some serious love handles here. Kucha discovers their first clue, and the next thing you know, they're at Tribal Council. The who? The what? All the Kucha members vote off Debb. We already knew that. We also knew that she didn't gel with the "group dynamic." I think Burnett was using subliminal messages as the tribe slept, because they all use those words. Really, they voted her off because she wouldn't own up to a fart. In her exit interview, Debb says that she didn't like Kimmi because of "what she did to" Debb. If you're excited to learn the dirty dirt on what Kimmi did, you'll never know, so just let it go and move on with your life as best you can.

Now, it's the B.J. incident. No, not that B.J. incident. It's jerky time! We rehash the Great Beef Jerky Débacle, and then segue into Kel's audition tape. Looking typically self-important, he says he wants to be on the show for the money, to see Australia, and because he loves challenges. He says he wants to pay off his sister's college loans, and can't figure out how she's so much more in debt than he is. He doesn't mention that his education was most likely paid for by the military, and that his sister's education perhaps was not, so there's far less likelihood of her being shipped off any day now to fight a war on foreign soil, so that's to her credit. Kel makes friends in hospitals across the nation when he says he wouldn't want to be in the Outback with someone with no training, "like a nurse." Maralyn says "beef jerky frenzy" again. Good? Yes. Worth sitting through this eternal show to see it? Not so much. I'll bet Kel will make his grandchildren call him "the Captain." Once again, there's no challenge footage; we go straight to Tribal Council. Jerri's vote against Kel is nicer than what they originally showed. Mad Dog tells him, "You're a fine man, but you won't be calling me 'Mother' any longer." Lamber says, "It's a trust thing." As in, she can't trust herself to make up her own mind and not blindly follow Jerri. Mitchell liked to call Kel "Kelly." We like to call Mitchell "Bitchell" or "Snitchell." Or even "Eat a Sandwichell." Tina doesn't think Kel tried very hard. Keith is bothered because Kel tried to establish alliances too early on in the game when he should have been thinking about the good of the team. I'm repeating these votes because I don't remember them from the actual episode. If I don't repeat them later, it's because I remember them, so if you're dying to know what was said, go back and check out the recap. I know the writer, and she's good. In his exit interview, Kel says he was a "military guy with a bunch of very articulate, entertaining types." He knows he didn't fit in, but they're still "good people" who were "special" to him. There's that "special" again.

In a new clip, Tina asks Mad Dog how she lost her teeth. Now there's a polite question. Whoever picked these new clips had some weird obsession with things of the body. I usually use "scatological" to refer to such types of obsessions, but I've only recently learned that this applies to excrement and excrement alone. Sadly, my life still yields plenty of opportunities to work the word into conversation. Maralyn credits her premature tooth loss to "pops, genes, and chromosomes." I'd say genes and chromosomes are the same thing, but she's Mad Dog and we don't care what she says -- it's all in the growly delivery. Maralyn then announces that she has "five good [teeth] left down there." She thanks Tina for asking. Hee. Next is the Mad Dog montage of weird gestures, faces, and noises. I'm sorry if you missed this, because I can't do it justice. In her audition tape, Mad Dog tells us from her ranch that she's, "51, single, 5'8½, 150 pounds." She tells us she was the first woman in her department and probably in the entire nation to be teamed with another female officer. Technically, she would have at the least tied in that honor. She then delivers a zinger by telling us the pairing worked out because she then had a partner who could loan her a tampon. Maralyn pops out of a dumpster holding a dog collar and pretending, I think, to have eaten the corresponding dog. I didn't get that the first time I saw it, and I haven't gotten it since. Maralyn offers to act as Security on the set of Survivor if she's not chosen for the cast. We next see a later-round interview in which Maralyn says that her finger was "a casualty" of a rescue attempt on a pygmy goat. I'm going to pitch The Mad Dog and Rudy Show to UPN. It's now time to see a challenge! Wait -- what's a challenge? It's the one where Colby drags Maralyn through the finish line, and then she calls him "Kirby" in a confessional. I think he'd be a different person were his name Kirby. He'd want to be a dentist instead of an elf. Maralyn tells us that "being dragged around didn't make [her] feel good." Most people would agree; some "special" people wouldn't. And now it's time for the Ogakors to all say nice things and then vote her off anyway. Before she exits, Maralyn tells us that she laughed hysterically at the pukers on the plane; she does not say, "It was a complete and total barfarama." She then says she wants a cigarette. Don't we all?

But don't fret that Mad Dog has gone, because like Buffy, she's been resurrected and appears in the next seen as the unlikely star of Mitchell's even less likely musical, Chelsea Clinton's...I mean "Star's Lament. It's about being a diva. Kel's back for this one, too, though only in a supporting non-diva role. In Mitchell's audition tape, he says he lives and works in New York City, but wanted to show us his "past life." Here I waited in vain for the revelation that in the year 949 he was the eunuch Gongyles, an inept favorite of the Byzantine court. Instead, by "past life" he means his parents' home in North Dakota. He makes a joke to the effect that his bedroom is a chicken coop with poisonous monkeys. I'm sure the North Dakota Department of Tourism -- if indeed there is such a thing -- did not appreciate this non-plug. In his audition tape, Mitchell does not run around in circles, flapping his mutant arms and repeatedly shouting, "I'm a seven-foot-tall singing giant! I'm a seven-foot-tall singing giant!" which as far as I can tell is the only reason -- that's he's a seven-foot-tall singing giant, not that he spared them the flailing and running around -- they picked him. We then move onto what was the most suspenseful Tribal Council of both seasons -- the tie, tie, and tiebreaker between Mitchell and Keith. After losing, Mitchell says it's good he got voted off because, "I need it. Look at me. Cripes!"

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