MONDO EXTRAS

But onto my standard disclaimer: this is not a re-recap, and oddly enough, the fact that I refuse to write about material we already saw in the episodes doesn't result in only three paragraphs. So if you want to know what happened the first time around, go back and read the recap. I won't risk making the same bad joke twice. Unless it was a really, really good joke in which case I might be unable to resist.

And thus -- after quite possibly the longest prologue or series of prologues to a Television Without Pity recap -- it begins:

As the camera zooms over Thailand's scenery, Peachy voiceovers that in this "special" episode, we will look back at the first 30 days of Survivor: Thailand through a series of "highlights" and "never-before-seen" footage. As usual, we're shown almost all of the new stuff within the first minute-long introductory segment: Jake is convinced that the canoe weighs 2,321 pounds, Clay is officially deemed an "ass man," and Grindia's a diva and you're not. I think I speak for us all when I say that if "Ghandia" is indeed the definition of "diva," then I'm pleased to say I am definitively not one.

A sound effect gongs as we see a silhouetted Thai man. On Day 1, the S16 ducked under someone's backyard clothesline, but we don't see Robb and his skateboard. Peachy narrates that the S16 knew there would be surprises ahead, and we are reminded by Bootee #1 John that they were initially led to believe the tribes would be split by gender. Instead, they were chosen by Jake and Jan in keeping with the Thai culture's respect for their elders. Because the rest of us kick our great-grandparents straight to the curb. Jan cried because she wasn't a leader, and Jake liked the "ath-uh-letic lookin' people." He picked his tribe mates based on "that gleam in their eye" which we now know in Robb's case was less "competitive spirit" and more "throat-grabbing crazy." Jan, meanwhile, based her selections on, well, God knows what, but still managed -- as we also now know -- to come out ahead.

Remember when Jake bemoaned his enthusiastic yet clueless tribe while Robb swung from tree branches like the chimpanzee he was and still--wherever he is--continues to be?

New footage awaits us at Chuay Gahn, where Peachy voiceovers that the tribe was quick to make use of their natural cave, while John was quick to delegate chores. A fat-faced Clay complains that John tried to start a fire without first "hunting" for dry materials and was ordering the others around while he tried to "strike leaves." Clay says John "done pissed everybody out" because every time they suggest something he responds, "Oh no no no, oh no no, oh no." When Ted suggests that they chop up the wood they've collected so far, John applauds his brilliance then immediately shoots him down. Clay, meanwhile, has a "real good idea" of his own. He proposes, "If we don 't have it, let's all go find some!" He further complains about John's over-zealous delegation before looking into the camera and snitting, "Why don't you come help us?" After numerous attempts, the fire ignites and is then quickly extinguished by something Clay throws into it. He stomps off in irritation while a concerned John watches him go. In a confessional, Clay tells us that he and John think alike as far as "compassion to family." So John also condones the ass-whupping of two year-olds? In terms of "wilderness outdoor surviving," however, Clay says that he and John don't think alike at all. Seconds later, Clay is back at camp and laughing during more fire starting efforts, so either these segments were pieced together out of chronological order, or he quickly got over his pissiness at John.