Thanks for the Souvenir

Episode Report Card
Kim: D | Grade It Now!
Ding Dong

Alicia, selfish to the end, interviews that she always talked strategy with Colton and she's upset that he's leaving because it hurts her strategy. Oh, and she's sorry he's in so much pain. Wait, she didn't say that at all. Jonas basically gives a eulogy for Colton, like, he's not dead, dude. Relax. Wait, is Jonas crying? What is wrong with him? Probst asks Colton if he has any last words, and Colton tells them to tell Sabrina, "Thanks for the souvenir" as he gestures with his Idol. Alicia interviews that Colton "is a spoiled brat" and she can't believe he kept the idol. Would he even be allowed to give it to a woman? They've changed things up so many times this season that I don't know what's going on. Jonas interviews that Colton wanted to get rid of Christina, but now that Colton's gone, he thinks they should get rid of Alicia. Yes, Jonas! Do that! The rise of Jonas! Colton's taken out on a stretcher. It's kind of anticlimactic. I really wanted to see him blindsided or have to build a fire and then get eliminated.

So even LATER that day, there is five minutes of animal footage, like when did I tune into the Discovery channel? Is Alec Baldwin going to start doing a voiceover? The Salani tribe picks up treemail and reads a clue that says that they haven't won or lost but they are going to Tribal Council tonight. Kat interviews that she chewed all the dirt out from her fingernails and it was disgusting but nutritious. Oh, Kat. I used to hate you but you are kind of amusing in your stupidity. Anyway, the Salani members (I keep wanting to call them Salami, like White Shadow what what?) start speculating about what all this means. And they have no clue.

Manono gets the same clue. Everyone is excited except Alicia. She interviews that she thinks they'll just talk about Colton, but she's worried that if there's a vote, she might be going. And then I don't know what starts this conversation, but I think they are standing around waiting to leave for Tribal Council. Alicia asks Tarzan if they would be friends, and Tarzan says he'd be her dad and his wife would be her mama. That's weird. And kind of gross. Christina asks if Tarzan likes her and he says no. What? She asks if it's because she voted for him, and Tarzan says she's a wonderful girl who will be very successful, but she wouldn't be his friend. And Christina says, "Understandable." UNDERSTANDABLE? Does she know what that word means? How is anything about what Tarzan just said understandable? WHAT THE FUCK DID CHRISTINA DO TO THESE PEOPLE? Did she shit in their water supply or something? Tarzan decides to rub it in and says that Leif and Jonas would be his friend. Basically, everyone except Christina, who he then calls Katrina.

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