The first match pits Tom against Li'l Russell. Tom has won this challenge in the past, but Li'l Russell has a much lower center of gravity that could give him the advantage. Or not, as four seconds after Probst says "go," Tom has knocked Li'l Russell off the platform and into the mud. That was the best four seconds of camera time Li'l Russell has ever gotten, in my opinion. I could watch it all day. Meanwhile, Colby goes insane cheering for Tom's victory.
Round 2: Parvati vs. Candice. Parvati does a little shimmy-dance to either limber up or distract Candice from using an effective strategy against her, just like Parvati does to all the men in her tribe. "Be strong," Rupert suggests. "Attack her, Candice. ATTACK HER!" Colby screams. I guess he really likes coffee. Parvati almost knocks Candice off the platform, but somehow Candice is able to regain her balance, spin around, and push Parvati, knocking her over. In her zeal to push Parvati off the platform, Candice totally takes her right hand off the bag. Probst said the competitors had to keep both hands on the bag at all times, but apparently that doesn't count when it helps the tribe he favors, so it isn't called. Parvati is able to get back on her feet, but Candice barrels into her, knocking them both into the mud. Parvati hits the mud first, so the Heroes get a second point. They're thrilled, and Jerri laughs at their happiness.
Round 3 is Rupert against Douche. Could it be that I'm actually cheering for Douche in this? What a strange new sensation this is. Although I don't see how he can lose, seeing as how Rupert's toe is in such dire straights (it's broken, remember) that he can't even make fire. Rain begins to fall as Douche and Rupert take turns hitting each other, with Douche hitting Rupert quickly but not making much of a dent, since Douche is weak and Rupert is, if nothing else, hard to knock down. As he shoves Douche towards the end of the platform, Douche executes a spin move around him, taking a hand off the bag and using it to help him balance. Rupert falls into the mud, and Douche is ecstatic. So much so that he is deaf to Probst's cries to replay the match due to Douche's hand leaving the bag, which you'll remember is against the rules when a Villain does it but not when a Hero does. Douche lets out a mighty roar of victory and strikes a few warrior poses before Probst is able to get his attention and tell him the bad news. Douche responds to the replay order by flipping Probst off, which is awesome.