Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
Special Guest Editor: Parvati Shallow

The Tuba of Defeat plays as the Villains arrive back at camp. They jump in the ocean to wash the mud off while laughing at themselves. They're so much cooler about losing than the Heroes, who react to challenge losses by screaming at each other and pointing fingers. Tyson interviews that the Heroes ate "steroid sandwiches" before the challenge. And I'm sure that's true in at least one case (JAMES JAMES JAMES). He says he was worried about the Heroes' sanity during the challenge, as if Tyson is in a position to judge whether or not other people are crazy when he has a few psychological issues of his own. Sandra and Courtney appear to be on scrubbing duty due to their non-participation in the challenge. Basically, everyone is laughing and having a good time together except for Randy, who's in the water by himself. He interviews that he knows he's at risk tonight since he's the oldest player in this entire season and Rob, Tyson, and Li'l Russell appear to want the hot women to stick around for a while so they can look at their boobs. Meanwhile, Randy himself can be seen helping Parvati wash mud off of her flat, toned stomach, so clearly even he is not immune to her charms. He interviews that she's the most dangerous player on their tribe right now because she seems innocuous and the guys like having her around, but if she makes it to the merge, she'll team back up with her Season 16 allies and dominate the game. Thus, he wants Parvati out of the tribe ASAP.

Parvati asks Douche if he's voting for her tonight. Douche says he doesn't know what he's doing yet, but acts all flustered about it because: 1. he just got called out, and 2. he's so very close to Parvati's boobs. He claims that he hasn't spoken to anyone in the tribe about "strategy" except for Randy, and that's just because Randy is a "super fan," a.k.a. the only person on this entire season who actually watches Survivor. Douche interviews that Parvati "came at [him] real aggressive," and yet she also believes that if she bats her eyelashes at the guys and wears a skimpy bikini all the time, they'll be forced to do her bidding. "Maybe Russell will. Maybe other people will. Maybe Tyson will. I sure as hell won't," he says. Cut to Parvati telling Douche all the reasons why she shouldn't be voted out tonight while he stares dreamily into her eyes and/or at her boobs. He continues: "that stuff doesn't work on me. I've been coaching college soccer for women for thirteen years and I've never had one of those girls bat their eyes at me and it make a difference in their playing time." Ah, if only this were true of my soccer-playing experience, where the girl whose father was the coach always got to play whatever position she wanted, regardless of skill. Parvati butters Douche up, saying she can tell that he isn't controlled by fear and thus won't let fear dictate who he votes out tonight. He agrees, adding that flirting doesn't control him either. And then he says that he likes flirting with Parvati as he swims up alongside her and puts his around her waist like a total creepo. She manages not to look completely disgusted as she pushes him away. Douche ends this segment by saying that anyone who risks a million dollars by keeping a dangerous player in the game just because she's flirtatious and hot is a fool. Douche is King Hypocrite, so I guess we'll be seeing the end of Randy tonight.

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