Survivor

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Special Guest Editor: Parvati Shallow

Meanwhile, Douche and Randy take a meeting in the ocean. Randy gives Douche the same argument Tyson had: the fact that Stephenie was voted out should show the Villains that James, Cirie, and Amanda are the dominant alliance on the Heroes tribe. "If you guys don't see that, you're next," he says; "this is Micronesia 2.0." Too bad for Randy that no one on his tribe saw that season. He says that if the Villains can't see what Parvati, Amanda, James, and Cirie are up to, then he doesn't want to play this game anymore, which is convenient since he'll be voted out. "If I am dead man walking, my friends are next. And I'll see you in Loser's Lodge. I'll buy you a beer," Randy says. He's forgetting one thing, though: he has no friends. Oh, and the beers in Loser's Lodge are free. So, two things, then. Douche thinks hard about Randy's words, then interviews that no one in this game is honorable. "There's nobody out here that's honorable anymore ... except for me," he says in true Douche fashion. And then I'll just transcribe the rest of his speech because it's that amazing, especially considering what it promises and what the only honorable player in this game then delivers with his Tribal Council vote:

"I hate to pontificate about that, but, you know, Martin Luther King says that 'the greatest measure of a man is not in the way he handles times of comfort, but in the way he rises with controversy and challenge.' There's always hope. The last thing we have in life or in this game is hope. That the impossible happens, that we dare to dream that Randy's gonna wake up in this camp tomorrow. So yes, there's still hope. While I still have a breath and a brain cell in my brain (as opposed to having a brain cell in his finger?), I will fight for him."

Can you imagine if Martin Luther King, Jr. knew his words would be applied to something so incredibly important as one deluded man's quest for redemption, honor, and a million dollars by saving a racist from being voted out of a game show that has never been known for its portrayal of black contestants (who are, with few exceptions, depicted as lazy, crazy or both) and kicked off its 13th season with a race war, and then airing that in the closing days of Black History Month? The history of race relations in this country would be very different, as he would have no doubt given up before he even started and just moved to a country where people were more tolerant and less self-important.

And so the Villains arrive at Tribal Council, where they are met by the corpse of Martin Luther King, Jr., who spun in his grave at such a speed that he drilled through the center of the Earth and all the way to Samoa. Probst recites his stupid torch speech and begins with a question for Sandra, asking her if "past relationships" with fellow contestants, be they on the same tribe or the opposing tribe, are a factor in this game. Sandra says they take many things into consideration when deciding who to vote out, like who has won the game before (cut to Parvati, even though Sandra herself has won just as many times as Parvati has), who is on the show for a third time (cut to Jerri, as if she's the only one when it's really like half the freaking cast), and yes, who has played with other contestants before. Didn't Sandra play this game with Rupert before? But she calls out Parvati as the example, reminding everyone that Parvati has three friends on the opposing tribe while Randy nods eagerly. Oh, and there is Douche, simply resplendent in his now-traditional Tribal Council feather. Parvati says that she wants to stay true to her Villains tribe and will not switch over to her friends come the merge, but she knows that all she can do is promise that and everyone in this game knows how little words mean. Probst asks Li'l Russell for his opinion on the matter, just in case he didn't get enough camera time this week. Li'l Russell says that knowing people on the other tribe can be a "huge advantage." So can being the only castmate whose episodes hadn't aired before this season started filming, thus allowing you to use the same exact strategy you did on your previous season with your tribemates none the wiser. Probst asks Jerri if tonight's vote should be about challenge performance rather than potential allies in the merge. Jerri says that keeping the tribe strong for challenges is important, though maybe not more than the fact that Parvati has friends on the other tribe.

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Survivor

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