The Big Adventure

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Joanna: B- | Grade It Now!
Heffalumps and Wildebeests

Back at Mofo Maji, Kimp hopes that Ethan is hungry as she prepares dinner. We see the mammoth piles of cornmeal, and she says she always hopes it will taste like mashed potatoes. That's what I've been thinking! Kimp says she's never going to eat corn again: "Not a corn tortilla, cornflakes, not corn on the cob, not corn chowder, not corn in the can, not creamed corn, not cornbread, no corn muffins, no burritos, no corn tortillas, no popcorn at the movies, no more corn. Please." That was an impressive run. Kimj, Kimp, Ethan, and Teresa pick at their food.

Meanwhile, Tom is all liquored up at Governor's Camp. Outside, it has started to rain, and Tom says, "There's not been a drop of rain hit my ass in forty days and forty nights." He adds, "I wanna get out there and put my ass in it!" Lex Loser tells us -- as if we needed the explanation -- that Tom came back from dinner and wanted to drink as much of the bourbon as possible. Tom asks whether Lex Loser wants to see a rabbit pulled out of a hat, and then he reveals yet another hidden bottle of liquor. Lex Loser says in a confessional that Tom was loaded, which made the night so much funnier. Tom tells Lex Loser he's glad Lex Loser "peeked" him; he then says Lex Loser would have been bored had he picked anyone else. They toast again, and Tom starts wailing a song that goes as follows: "Hey bartender fix me a toddy/ Old Big Tom wanna love everybody/ Don't worry about them crocs/ Old Big Tom got some stinky socks." He's completely drunk and can still come up with a better rhyme than the morons who pen the Survivor clues. Lex Loser says that Tom was really drunk, "so [Lex Loser] took [Tom] to bed." Tom hangs on Lex Loser as Lex Loser leads him across the room; as he tucks Tom in, Lex Loser advises Tom that if he's going to throw up, he should go outside. Tom proclaims, "That's the American way!" A sleepy Tom thanks Lex Loser and then says, "I'd do it for you!" He snuggles up in the bed, and just before immediately falling asleep, Tom says, "Damn right I would." Hee. Drunk and happy Big Tom reminds me of Wilbur from Charlotte's Web.

A moon shot reveals people fussing with lanterns outside Tom's and Lex Loser's tent. Tom tells us that when he woke up -- aw, he and Lex Loser shared a bed -- his head wouldn't have "fit in a warshtub." Lex Loser explains to Tom that they are waking up so early because it's "balloon ride time." Tom tells us that he drank a glass of water and ate five cookies and "it was on again." Now it's daytime, and they're in the balloon. Tom tells us in a confessional that the balloon's flames were "like a dragon." He also makes "whoosh, whoosh" noises. I think Drew Carey's missing a major opportunity if he doesn't enlist Tom for a special guest appearance on Whose Line Is It Anyway? He also says "holy moly" again, which I enjoy, and that he was almost that high last night. In a confessional, Tom tells us that their balloon driver was from England, and that every time Tom talked to him, the balloon would make a sudden drop. Once Tom shut up, the driver would react and raise the balloon. I don't know what the man's balloon-flying skills have to do with the fact that he's from England, but Tom apparently sees some sort of connection. The driver tries to explain his competency to a literally slack-jawed Tom. They fly over breathtaking terrain, and the balloon is really low. Tom asks whether the driver has ever crashed, and the driver says that the most dangerous thing is spilling the champagne upon landing. Lex Loser points out a hyena, but it looks like a wildebeest to me. Not that I know anything. But sometimes I like to think I do. Lex Loser and Tom agree that the way to see Africa is by balloon. By the way, a day's balloon trip in the Masai Mara, according to my friends, costs $400 per person. Lex Loser says the vista is amazing and left him breathless. As we see more hippos, the driver says, "They spend all night eating grass and then they spend all day in the river getting rid of it." Is he really saying hippos shit all day long?

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