Survivor

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C | 2 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Way to Go, Exile Alliance

We open on a close-up of the moon. I know the crew is thrilled to bits at the new HDTV capabilities, but this is, like, the eighteenth moon close-up we've had this season. Maybe we could back away from the moon for a few episodes? Everyone at Forza is gathered around the campfire, but no one has much to say. Douche explains that everyone was in a funk after Joe left the game, which is stupid since Joe leaving the game = improved chance to win. Most likely, they were in a funk because they were in close proximity to Douche. Douche decides to tell the group a story to liven things up. While most campfire stories are about someone else, Douche's is, of course, about himself. He interviews that this was purely out of benevolence, as he wanted to "share a piece of [his] life" with his tribemates in order to teach them that no matter how bad things may seem, he's been through much worse because he's better than everyone else.

And so begins the Douche story. Douche opens by saying that only three people in the world know this story, although that's probably because there are only three people in the world who don't run away from Douche when he's talking to them. And that's only because they're probably coma patients. Anyway, Douche was air-lifted into the Amazon by a military helicopter even though all he was doing was kayaking and nothing remotely military because for all the crap Douche spews about being a warrior, he's not actually in the military. He's a soccer coach. Sort of. One morning, he was paddling along when he had the feeling he was being watched. Sure enough, he spotted some "indigenous people" on the side of the river. They were "four, four and a half feet tall" and armed with bows and arrows. They grabbed him out of the kayak, tied him up, and dragged him into a hut where they tied him to a stake and took turns beating him with a club. Apparently, they only had the one club. Douche doesn't know how long it lasted because "sometimes I blacked out. Sometimes I just went to a faraway place." When Douche realized that they were going to kill him, he managed to tear through the rope by sheer force of will and escape. He got his kayak into the water and paddled so hard that his hands bled.

And now for the reaction of the rest of the tribe. Debbie interviews that Douche is obviously full of it, but she didn't think it was appropriate to call him out in the middle of his story. The rest of the tribe just sits there silently and looks at each other, like "do you believe this? Okay, no, I don't either." Brendan, bless his heart, can't keep his disbelief inside any longer and questions Douche's ability to get a military helicopter to drop him off in the Amazon for free. "I pulled some strings," Douche explains. Except that he's a garage symphony conductor and a soccer coach, so what strings could he possibly have to pull? Brendan interviews that Douche is either "the second coming of Jacques Costeau" (pretty sure you mean someone else with the initials J.C. there, Brendan) or "the biggest fraud that is in this game." And that game is the game of life. But there is a third way. Douche is the biggest fraud in the game, but he honestly and truly thinks that everything he says is true. Alternately, he's doing it for the airtime. But I don't think he's that smart. Douche continues that National Geographic somehow found out about his kayaking trip and asked to come with him as if they don't know how to plan their own trips, but he turned them down saying this trip was about him, because in Douche's world, everything is about Douche. I'll bet he regretted not having NatGeo backup when he got captured, though. Or not, since that never actually happened. Brendan interviews that he's now realizing that Douche is full of it, and might not be the most trustworthy alliancemate.

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Survivor

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