Survivor

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Average Joe

Both tribes arrive at the destination. Douche makes sure to give J.T. a fist-pound, and then they see what's waiting for them: not a challenge or a smarmy host, but a merge feast! J.T. immediately takes his shirt off for some reason, while Sierra goes ape-shit over the presence of candy on the table. "Give me some water without bugs in it!" Taj cries. Everyone digs in before even reading the note on the table, which is kind of dumb because you never know what twist awaits you in this game. Although maybe not this season, which has been pretty much twist-free. Debbie the wino pulls out a bottle of something alcoholic and cheers, setting a wonderful example for all her students. J.T. reads the note telling them that they have merged, and Tyson passes out their new green buffs. They'll be living at the Tempura camp, and will they all be given green clothes now? Because I won't know who is in what tribe without color-coded outfits.

While the new tribe digs into the feast and celebrates, Stephen interviews that his tribe was hoping more for the merge feast than the merge itself. At some point, Erinn says, "Tyson's kinda like a girl," and I like her again despite the fact that she doesn't seem to hate Douche anymore. Speaking of Douche, he stands up and proposes a toast, because it's always the biggest douchebag at the table who thinks of these things. They all toast to each other and the merge. Douche interviews that getting four new tribe members is like "getting a new girlfriend. There's all kinds of things to explore." And if you're Douche, you'd better do it before the end of the first date, as your horrible personality all but guarantees there won't be a second one. Douche then says he wishes they had the chance to "decimate" Jalapeño more before the merge, which I'm sure they could have if Tempura hadn't lost all those immunity challenges earlier. Douche has forgotten about all of that unpleasantness, however, and says he's sure Tempura would have continued to wipe Jalapeño out if given the chance.

J.T. starts asking about people's jobs, saying he's just a cattle rancher. "And a rocket scientist," Stephen says. They might think that's a funny joke, but Douche can totally top it, as he says he's a soccer coach and a "symphony conductor in California." Except while J.T. knows he's not a rocket scientist, Douche thinks he is a real coach and a real conductor. "Symphony instructor?" J.T. asks hilariously. "Conductor," Douche says. I wish he'd conduct some electricity. "Call me Maestro," Douche says. While Brendan and Erinn try not to laugh at Douche, he talks about his jet-set two-job lifestyle. Incidentally, where I'm from, having two part-time jobs is not considered glamorous. Douche makes sure to add that he flies back and forth between his two jobs, as if spending a lot of money on airfare is something to be proud of. Because you know neither of those jobs is offering to pay for the flights for him. Because he's not that important. Douche immediately takes a liking to J.T., who he sees as a "warrior." He also throws Stephen a bone, saying he's "obviously intelligent." Of course, a female like Taj gets no consideration. Joe would, but he's so boring that he's basically invisible. Douche claims to be looking forward to the individual immunity challenges, apparently under the assumption that his ass won't be getting kicked in every single one of them.

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Survivor

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