Sean votes for Rich, trying to speak for the jury and the "general sentiment," and cites Kelly for being manipulative and two-faced. He also says "fat naked fag" twice more. Sean, it's time for you to go. Again, fucker.

Colleen votes for Kelly, having changed her vote from Rich because of Kelly's will in the face of Sue. "Rich doesn't need it," she says. Colleen is coming across as a bit tipsy here. But not in a bad way.

Sue votes for Rich. She starts talking some more. Just. Shut. Up.

Rudy votes for Rich. "We had an alliance to the end and I'm fulfillin' my obligation."

Greg sniffs the marker, writes his vote and we cut away before we see it.

Rich complains that he can't breathe. "This has been an amazing experiment, I can't wait to see how it turns out," Jeff says, sounding remarkably like Casey Kasem. After an eternity of consultation with producers, Jeff returns. "There will be one survivor," Jeff says, "And it won't be Christopher Lambert."

First vote: Rich. Second vote: Kelly. Third vote: Rich. Fourth vote: Kelly. Fifth vote: Rich. Sixth vote: Kelly (Go Girl). Seventh vote... "I need water and oxygen," Rich says. "The winner of the first Survivor competition...is Rich." Rich lets out a gust of air, hugs Kelly and shakes Jeff's hand. It's over. My God, it's over. Everybody hugs except Sue and Kelly. Kelly avoids Sue like a rat avoids a snake. Game over, folks.

Cheesy, cheesy, Wisconsin-cheesy ending with a clean-shaven Rich in a voice-over saying how amazing it is to win. He is shown alone at the tribal council holding the paper with the last vote. He talks about helping his family. We see him on an airplane, leaving the airport, getting into his brand-new car. He is clean-shaven and suited. Nobody meets him at the airport. This is the most staged presentation, ever. Al Gore is at home watching and bitching because people think he gives a stiff, lifeless performance. Rich opens his million-dollar-check envelope (don't worry, it's standard-sized, not Publisher's Clearinghouse-sized) and drives off in an ugly black vehicle that looks like the product of an SUV getting dry humped by a Honda CRX. ["Thank you, Omar, for finding the words. That thing left me speechless." -- Niki] We cut immediately into Bryant Gumbel's awful hosting of the Survivor reunion, which you'll be reading about very, very soon.

Goodnight campers. And remember, only kids who don't do drugs are real Survivors.