The Final Four

Episode Report Card
Omar G: A | 1 USERS: A+

Jeff explains that tomorrow night, each member of the jury will get to ask a question or make a comment, the two finalists will get to give a speech, and then the jury votes. That's it. They leave as Rudy wanders out into the woods, looking for his Navy SEAL buddies and chewing on stray tree bark. Rudy's final words are about how he got votes at the beginning, and then nobody voted against him until the final, fatal one. Rudy, we will miss you. I think you could kick the living crap out of Jack Palance in a death match.

Commercial break. More stuff to ignore. Oh, except for that commercial for the new Craig T. Nelson show on CBS. We, as a nation, must never ignore Craig T. Nelson. He is our most valuable natural resource. ["Well, we at MBTV don't give a rat's ass about his new show, and are, in fact, closing off coverage of all non-Survivor programs on CBS. Welcome home, muthafuckas." -- Wing Chun]

Day Thirty-Nine. The camp is a mess. Rich is lying in a hammock, his feet propped up on the camera, the tiny, translucent CBS logo on the heel of his foot. That's no accident, folks. Kelly and Rich are "just chillin'." Kelly is writing in her notepad (memoirs coming soon!) as Rich just keeps reassuring her that it's the last day. Kelly wanders off to a part of the island where she likes to go "do her thing." "Her thing" blessedly doesn't involve Sue. She goes to do yoga, meditate, and stretch. ["Alex Richmond told me Kelly's yoga technique is ass. I believe her." -- Wing Chun] She says she does this every day, but of course the selective editing didn't want you to know that until now. Jesus and The Devil return to make their homes on her shoulders again as she brings up her dealings with Sue yet again. Jesus gets bored and falls asleep. The Devil gets really mad and yells at her to shut up already or he'll stab her eardrum with a pitchfork, but she doesn't seem to notice.

Rich is reflecting. Even sneaky editing can't hide the fact that nothing, nothing is happening on the island. Maybe Jeff should belly dance or something, because this has just slowed to a dead crawl.

Before they go, Kelly and Rich decide to burn everything they don't need, from the spoons to the faux-wicker-whatevers, to SuperPole 2000, the pole that never hurt anybody, yet is now subjected to a fiery death. Rich and Kelly have obviously never heard of eBay. They even burn the poor, defenseless Rattana flag. Somebody at CBS's marketing and sales department is passing out right now. Kelly has apparently relocated from the island of Sappho to the Bay of Catharsis. Stuff burns. They watch. Even destruction seems boring.

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