The Final Four

Episode Report Card
Omar G: A | 1 USERS: A+

Dirk: I was walking along the beach of Palau Tiga. And Jesus came to me. And he said he had been walking with me during my days on Survivor. But when I looked, I only saw one set of footprints. I asked him about that and he said unto me, "That's when I was on one of Kelly's shoulders, while The Devil sat on the other side. Sorry about that. It was a really busy day."

Joel: This show gave me so many ideas for frat hazings that I shall never want again. Thanks Mark!

Gretchen: On the planet "Fair" I will always be a winner. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on Planet Fucking Earth with Rich.

Greg: Beige is cool. Beige is pretty effin' cool. I should build that moat.

Jenna: I was the moral and emotional center of the show, even after it was over and I turned down Playboy. Just between you and me, though, I'm holding out for $1.2 million from Naked Island Asscheeks magazine.

Gervase: Having already impregnated more women than the entire U.S. military forces during the Vietnam War combined, do you think I will ever have a problem getting laid ever again? I didn't think so. Who's the winner now? Hey, I heard that. Stop singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone."

Colleen: I'm the cutest one, yes. But have you seen the rest of the castaways?

Sean: I like Jell-O.

Sue: You really want to know what I think? Give me about forty-five minutes. I'll see you then.

The three remaining survivors walk through the fire, according to Jeff, to channel their time on the island into one powerful experience. Jeff wavers as he explains. I really think he's starting to lose faith in these scripts. I'm thinking, "Ouch, ouch, OUCH!" Jeff reveals a set of platforms and says the immunity challenge is simple. It's called "Hands on the Immunity Idol," which is an obvious homage to the contest in Longview, Texas, about which a documentary was made called Hands on a Hard Body. If you've not seen this film, run, don't walk, to your video store and rent it because it's brilliant. But finish reading this recap first. Jeff the Joyous explains that the object of the challenge is to keep a hand on the oversized immunity doll at all times. If they take their hand off, they lose. They can move their feet, but no taking the hand off, capisce? The last person standing gets immunity. "I have a request for sixty-nine bottles of beer," Rich says. He is one gregarious guy lately, huh? After an hour (we know this because it says, "Elapsed Time: 1 hour") Jeff asks what Rudy's wife would think about these shenanigans. Rudy says she would walk away and think he was silly, but she'd walk through fire if he asked her to. ["Did anyone else find that a little ominous?" -- Niki] ["Yes." -- Wing Chun] Kelly tries to ingratiate herself, saying that she seems to do exciting things like skydiving. Jeff asks Kelly what Rudy's wife's name is. "Marge," Kelly answers immediately. Rich admits he doesn't know that. So we've established that Kelly has a photographic memory for useless details and Rich...well, Rich just doesn't care.

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