The Final Four

Episode Report Card
Omar G: A | 1 USERS: A+

More time passes. This is the least exciting immunity challenge ever, just in time for the climactic finale. At an hour-and-a-half, Rudy is stooped over. Jeff the Jester says he's going to go get lunch. Way to rub salt in the wound, Jeffie. The Probst Provocateur brings out orange slices and says that when the competitors drop out, they can have the slices. He even forces them to smell the oranges. Jeff beats Rich this week as Most Magnificent Bastard. Kelly refuses to smell the oranges. Smart move. More time passes. I go get a beer. My cat rolls up a catnip joint.

At two-and-a-half hours, Rich decides to give a speech. He says he can't hope to outlast Kelly. He says he hopes they recognize his contributions, then he lets go. Brilliant strategy, that losing thing. Rich hops off and digs into some oranges. He gives another speech about mental strategy. "It doesn't mean I'm giving up a million dollars," he says. Rich, you are a smart, smart cookie. In fact, you look like a cookie. A smart one. Time passes again, this time measured by the cheesiest usage of an hourglass in the history of cheesy-hourglass usage. I hear the Days of Our Lives theme in my head.

At three hours, Jeff returns again with a lemon-laden drink. Rich drinks of it. The others plan to get down to switch positions, which they will do every thirty minutes. Rich chills out, lying on his back. At three hours, thirty minutes, I'm so bored I take a drag of the catnip. Jeff tries to make conversation again, asking Rich if he was surprised that Kelly changed her vote. "It's all about what's in your best interest," Rich responds. Kelly looks on, snarling. Rich talks about Kelly and Sue's sub-Alliance. "I did trust her," Kelly chimes in. She goes on, re-explaining it all while Rudy watches, wondering where exactly her heart is in relation to a knife he wishes he had brought along. Rich explains how he and Rudy made the historic Gay/Homophobe Survivor Treaty of 2000 happen, which stipulates that they stick together to the end, "but not in that way," as Rudy would say.

Bored, bored, bored. This is like watching mud dry in the sun. Oh, wait, that is what we're watching. Mud dry on their thinning carcasses as Jamba Juice Jeff looks on. Sand crabs pass. Waves come in. In Texas, a skinny black cat gets high on catnip. Some kid gets beat up on the streets of Brooklyn as Tom Joad looks on, ready to step in. It's sloooow, is what I'm saying. At four hours, Jeff again says that can't get over how Richard just chose to step down. He accuses Rich of orchestrating it so Rudy does his dirty work for him. Jeff astutely observes that the Alliance is out of Rich's hands. Rudy comments that he was hoping Rich would be the worker bee. As they swap places, Rudy takes his hand off absently. Kelly points it out. She wins again. She gets the immunity necklace and, even better, a hug from Rich. We go to commercial before I have a chance to pass out.

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