Survivor
The First Exile

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Banished! Stand Over There!

Now, a large, well-built attorney named Bobby refers to his team as "the young beefcake crowd," of which he says he was "a charter member and president." Did he just refer to himself as "beefcake"? Did he actually refer to himself as "President Beefcake"? Because on the one hand, that is disgusting, and on the other hand, that is totally his name to me now. President Beefcake goes on to refer to the other three teams as "the Love Boat crowd," "the Golden Girls," and "the Spice Girls." Wow. Those pop-culture references are so current that I almost cut my wrists on all the edge.

Jeff explains how the island they're on at the moment is the one that will be used for this Exile Island business, and how they won't live here in their tribes, but that individual people will be sent here periodically. Starting...now! Because indeed, they're going to start things off with a four-way competition between the four tribes, with the tribe that comes in last having to choose someone to stay behind on Exile Island while everybody else gets settled in. Danielle the "Medical Sales Rep" says that challenges are her "forte," which she pronounces "for-tay" like most people do who are not my father. She's the athlete, you see. And...I don't want to start things off in the shallow end, but I'm thinking that if Danielle participates in any lumber sports, she might do more chewing than log-rolling, if you get my drift. Those are some large teeth.

Anyway, one person from each team will race to the other end of the island and find the pile of skulls. (It should be the only pile of skulls, so just keep your eyes peeled.) Then, all four people will start smashing skulls, and the first three to find one with an amulet inside will run back to their teams. Last team to finish leaves somebody behind. Furthermore, the first three teams to finish get flint to make fire, and the last team doesn't. So, just in case you're keeping score, last season's opening challenge was marching your entire team eleven miles through the Guatemalan jungle carrying all your stuff. This season's opening challenge is that one person in your tribe has to kind of run over there.

Jeff turns the teams loose to choose their runners, and it turns out that the contenders are Ruth Marie (old women), Terry (old men), Danielle (young women), and Austin (young men). They step up. Ready? Go! What's great is that Austin, that lover of female ladies, gets himself overexcited and almost hurls himself to the ground unimpeded by anything but his own feet, which would have been the truly greatest beginning to an episode ever. Also, female ladies think that's totally hott. The four run through the woods until they get to the other side of the little island. Sure enough: skulls. Just like Jeff promised. See, they're building trust. They start cracking skulls, and not in the Judd Nelson/Paul Gleason sense. Terry is the first one to get an amulet free, so he takes off back toward his team. He reaches them, and they greet him happily. It's awesome to be good-natured and creaky. Austin finds an amulet next, and he tries not to trip over his shoelaces again as he starts to run.

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Survivor

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