Episode Report Card
Sara M: D | 2 USERS: B
March Badness

The truck stops, and tribes grab everything they can from the truck. We get our first shot of Douche and his smug smile, but I don't see him telling anyone what to do with his eyes like he would later claim he did. Perhaps I just don't speak Asshole. Tyson interviews that Douche looks like "the lovechild of Steven Seagal and the last of the Mohicans," and I have to like Tyson again. He hopes Douche can bring some Seagal ass-kicking or Indian survival skills to their new tribe. I don't know if you want to get survival skills from the last of the Mohicans. Seems to me that if their survival skills were anything to write home about, they'd still be alive. In any case, we all know that Tyson will be very disappointed. Douche stands around doing nothing while the rest of his tribe works to get stuff off the truck, then interviews that his plan is to take on the leadership role of the tribe. He then goes off on some stupid tangent about how he's an iron forged by being thrown in a fire. I'd throw him in a fire, too. Meanwhile, Stephen interviews that his new tribe is "screwed" because Tempura has Steven Seagal. Ha! "What the hell are we gonna do against the Glimmer Man?" Stephen asks. The answer of course is: wait until he becomes a doughy aging faux rock star selling energy drinks who can't even get a theatrical release. Stephen then mentions his tribe's hot blonde girl, Sydney, and says he'll miss her when they vote her out. I won't! Sydney interviews: "I guess I'm a professional model now." She finds this funny, and says she laughs at herself a lot. That's probably because it makes the fact that she has nothing of substance to say less obvious. Also, you know you're stupid when you aren't even sure what your job is. Although it could just be that she's really a student/waitress but just found out that this show was going to put "model" as her occupation anyway.

With that, Probst sends the tribes off to their new camps. There is no mention of Sierra and Sandy's misfortunes, which is fine with me since we spent plenty of time on them in the actual episode. Instead, we see the tribes attempt to find their new camps. JalapeƱo gets lost pretty quickly, and J.T., Joe, and Spencer try to figure out what the map is telling them. Joe interviews that J.T. is from Alabama and is a "brawn guy" as opposed to a "sophisticate, intellect, academia type-guy." I hope Joe isn't trying to claim that he's that type of guy after that sentence. J.T. interviews that he's pretty sure some of his tribemates consider him to be a hillbilly, but he thinks he's more educated than that, and that a real hillbilly wouldn't be able to make it very far in this game. Clearly, J.T. did not watch Season 9.

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