Survivor
The Great Divide

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Lost at Senile

Last week on Survivor, the new S16 plowed through people's back yards on Thailand's mainland before being deposited on their new island home. As the oldest competitors, Jake and Jan got to choose their tribes, and pigtailed Jan was frightened. While Jake went for "youth and brawn," according to Peachy, Jan just went for "older." Hee. Chuay Gahn had decent shelter but a difficult water hole, while Sook Jai had a nearby water hole, but each other to deal with. The first immunity challenge was tight until Ghandia "gave it away." Ew. Then John the waxen-faced minister got voted out.

Credits. I know monkeys can pull hair and poke and make faces at you and stuff, but are they really that scary? Don't you just want to take one home and put a baby bonnet on it? In any case, the S16 paddle, and Erin's breasts get the first of many potential close-ups. The monkeys shriek and shake, but they don't scare me!

Tinkle, tinkle. Strum, strum. Gong! Ants swarm as we learn that we're now at Chuay Gahn on Day 4. It's morning, and grunty snore sounds disturb a group of bats. The same grunty snore sounds disturb a group of bat-brained tribe members. While Clay blissfully -- and noisily -- sleeps, Tanya and Brian giggle over his nocturnal emissions, but not that sort of nocturnal emissions. At least, not that we know of. Clay sleepily asks, "What?" as the group continues to be amused, except Ghandia, who is pissed off because she didn't get enough sleep. In an interview, Helen snits, "I don't know how a guy that's only like 5'5" has that much sound coming out of his body!" She says it's hard to sleep in such close quarters, but that they're so exhausted by bedtime that it's not much of a problem. What is a problem, however, is the froo-froo bow in Helen's hair.

Now the tribe members attempt to push their canoe into the water, and Clay groans at the effort. Can't Ted just lift that thing up with his pinky finger? Ghandia explains that their boat is a "piece of crap." It's not, however, a "retard." And I'm not letting that one go -- just so you know. She says that getting water is frustrating because the boat is very heavy and easily fills with sand and water. The tribe finally succeeds, and Helen and Jan paddle off. In a voice-over, Clay tells us that after Helen and Jan departed, the tribe realized that they'd left behind the map. He says it was typical of Helen to insist that she already knew where everything was. We see Helen and Jan land in a cove, and decide that Jan will stay behind with the boat while Helen goes ahead to the well. I guess the boat's too heavy to pull to shore? Jan is happy to hang with the boat because it gives her "a little rest." As Helen moves into the wooded area, snakes slither around her and agree that no one over the age of fifteen should wear a floppy bow in her hair. As Helen tiptoes around the snakes, she yells back to Jan that she doesn't think they're in the right place. It doesn't matter much to Jan, since she's just having a nice little rest. Helen tells us in an interview that she and Jan went past the right cove and into the "absolute wrong" cove. Because it wasn't just kind of sort of wrong. It was absolutely wrong. She calls it a huge mistake, because the area was "honeycombed with snake holes." Yuck. She then snarks that Jan "nicely volunteered to stay with the boat" on all the explorations, and why can't I picture Helen ever actually letting herself stay behind? As Helen prepares to leave the wrong beach, Jan "I told you so"s that they should have stopped at the first cove.

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