The Great Lie

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
Reports Of Granny Fairplay's Death Are Greatly Exaggerated

Jeff announces that the result of the reward challenge events is that Idiot Jon and BDD will have the camp to themselves for twenty-four hours -- the rest of the castaways are being banished to a separate beach with a machete and some matches. This may sound kind of bad, but of course, not having to spend your evening with Idiot Jon and BDD is its own reward, giving the reminiscences about fictional sexual conquests that seem sure to follow. Everyone hugs, and Jon explains that BDD is known to him as "Thunder-D." Good gracious, what a fuckwit he is, seriously.

The rest of the castaways, the next time we see them, are de-boating at Isla Hermita, which is apparently Spanish for "Barren-Ass Beach Not Quite Chosen For A Madonna Song." "Home, sweet home," Sandra says unhappily, stewing (I suspect) over the fact that she still thinks they got taken by Jon back there at the reward challenge. Tijuana explains that it's a struggle to get settled in at a new place, as Burton opens a coconut and finds it to be rotten. Do you get it? It stands for moral decay, y'all. ["But does it STINK of ROT and DEATH?!" -- Wing Chun] Burton interviews, as we already knew, that they all let Jon take the reward challenge because of Dead Old Granny Fairplay, and that their loved ones will all be there when it's all over, after all. Dead Old Granny Fairplay, on the other hand, is worm food. Worm food, I tell you! Lill interviews similarly and gravely that she just had to suck it up, because Jon's news about his grandmother was more important than her hanging out with her husband. Oh, Lill.

Back at Camp Balboa, Jon and BDD are walking up the beach toward camp. "That was a brilliant performance, sir," Jon says, which is completely ridiculous, considering that BDD's contribution was "She died, dude," and he didn't even say that very convincingly. Nevertheless, Jon goes on to voice over that, indeed, Not Dead Old Granny Fairplay is perfectly fine, undoubtedly at home watching Jerry Springer. (Oh, she would.) Jon explains in an interview that he has only one chance to win a million dollars, and so he thinks there's no reason not to take "every single advantage possible." He tells BDD confidently that he's in the final two for sure, by the way. He grins that he hasn't come anywhere near getting voted off yet. BDD interviews that before he left to come on the show, Jon hatched this brilliant scheme and asked for his help. ["By the way, a poster on the Fametracker boards by the handle of Matthew IV has said that he is the friend of a friend of Jon's, and suggested the grandma ploy as a joke, never imagining that Idiot Jon would be idiotic enough to go through with it." -- Wing Chun] Jon happily interviews that the non-death of Not Dead Old Granny Fairplay could wind up being "the dirtiest thing ever to be done in this game."

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