New credits! Tinkly bell and gong sounds, because what would Survivor be without tinkly bell and gong sounds? Silhouettes of dancing natives and huge, gorgeous rock formations lead to paddling tribes. All the women are featured first in the credits, followed by the men. A lizard licks. People hug and kiss, but don't lick....yet. Maybe on The Real World Las Vegas, but our S16 need a little time to work up to that kind of stuff. Clearly, the baboon is the new scuttling crab; it's Survivor Thailand's It Animal. Gong! Survivor Thailand.
Tinkle, tinkle goes the music. The two pretty, obviously motored boats speed along. Peachy awaits the S16 on shore, and then commands them to follow him. One of the men wears a black cap pulled over his eyes. I don't need to add that he looks ridiculous. Peachy separates the garbage pails and spoons...er, "men and women," and then explains that they'll first have a "get-to-know-you." Each is to tell the others his or her name, age, and occupation, but Peachy adds that "if for some reason" they don't want to reveal that information, they can choose what to divulge. Stephanie is a twenty-nine-year-old firefighter/EMT from Fayetteville, Arkansas. She poses in uniform in front of her firetruck. Ghandia stands in front of a giant dome; she's an old-looking thirty-three -- a legal secretary who doesn't say where she's from. Forgetfulness or strategy? Hmmm. We know anyway: Denver. Erin is a twenty-six-year-old Dallas real estate agent with very big breasts. Helen is forty-seven, and a swimming instructor for the U.S. Navy. Penny is from Plano, and she sprawls on the ground in a pose I'm assuming someone, somewhere actually thinks is sexy. She's twenty-seven, and she's "in sales." Shii Ann is from New York, and although we all know her official title is "executive recruiter," she dumbs it down to "I help people find jobs" for the benefit of the slower members of the S16. Jan is a fifty-three-year-old, pigtailed first-grader...er, first grade teacher. Tanya is twenty-seven and a social worker. She's from Tennessee, even if she doesn't say so.
Now on to the boys...though not literally onto the boys, because not one of them is even remotely appealing. Louisianan Clay is forty-six and cute in a gnomish, pet-able sort of way. He proudly stands in front of his "Welcome to Monroe, LA" sign. Robb is twenty-three, and has an extra "B" in his name. The second "B," clearly, is for "Boob." He's a bartender from Arizona, and is also the one wearing the stupid hat. Kenneth wins the applause of his team by saying, "I'm twenty-nine years old, but I'm a New York City police officer." What's with the "but"? Thirty-four-year-old Brian -- who may also be Joel from Pulau Tiga -- is in the "high-line world of used-car sales." Not to mention the low-line world of pornography, but he selectively omits that piece of information. Shii Ann looks away in discomfort, while Penny giggles, so it probably was a wise move on his part to avoid revealing his part in The Virgins of Sherwood Forest. Not to mention Doogie Howser, M.D.. And a girl named Penny would giggle. No offense to all the shiny Pennys out there. In his background shot, Brian removes his sunglasses and stands in front of a "pre-owned cars" sign. John is a forty-year-old pastor who poses with his Bible. Enough said. Ted, age thirty-seven, is a North Carolina software developer. He may or may not also be a giant. Jed is a twenty-five-year-old dental student from Texas, and since I'm of the opinion that "normal" and "dental student" are mutually exclusive terms, I'm not predisposed to falling victim to his youthful charms. ["And according to The Smoking Gun, you're right to suspect that Jed is not what he seems. Assuming he seems, to you, like someone who would not drive drunk." -- Wing Chun] Jake is also a Texan; he's sixty, and a "land broker." Peachy reveals that elders are revered in Thailand; he says that, "if memory services [sic]," Jake and Jan are the oldest of the S16. They come forward, and Peachy announces that they will choose the tribes' colors: red or purple. This selection will also determine each tribe's name and beach. Peachy points out that each beach has advantages and disadvantages, regarding, amongst other things, shelter and water supply. However, he can only reveal that the red bandanna has sunrise and the purple has sunset. Jake immediately grabs for sunset, so Jan and her pigtails are left with sunrise. Peachy is excited to be "off and rolling."