Survivor

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It is Finished
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It's night 33 at Forza as the Final Five return to camp. Douche is the last in line, and the editors give him a silly musical flourish as he enters the frame. Gross. He admits to being in total shock at the vote and says he thought he was on his way out when he saw that first (and, tragically, only) vote for him. J.T. and Stephen are quick to tell him that Debbie voted for him, and they voted her out because she was trying to get rid of him. Douche apparently didn't do the math earlier, as this revelation comes as a total surprise to him. Can he be that stupid? The only votes that weren't for Debbie were the one he cast against Taj and the one that was cast against him. Does he really think Debbie voted for herself? And yet, "I can't grasp that," Douche says; "I'm like the lamb led to the slaughter." Could it be, that on Night 33, Douche is finally becoming self-aware? "J.T., Erinn, and Taj and Stephen mounted a counter-attack against Debbie to save me," he interviews; "it would have been very easy to vote me out. I know I'm a dangerous player in this game." Guess not. Douche interviews that the game is still being played with truth and honesty even though everyone left in it (except Taj) just totally lied to his face and made him think they were voting for Taj. He says that Debbie's betrayal has left him, for the first time in this game, "almost speechless. Almost." Whoever got stuck transcribing Douche's interviews had to have been so relieved until that second "almost" was said. Douche refers to himself in the third person and says he no longer has any control in this game, which would also imply that he ever did.

The next morning, a downtrodden and newly-humbled (but not really) Douche asks if they're voting Erinn out next, phrasing it as a pitiful suggestion rather than an order. They all agree to take Erinn out and then Taj (which they've said before every single vote and has yet to actually happen), and Douche asks about Exile. J.T. doesn't want to "send them girls" there to suffer, and since Stephen's already gone more than once, that sort of leaves J.T. and Douche as the next to go. Douche figures this out very quickly, and says his lungs aren't feeling so great. "Are you all right, man?" Stephen asks, seemingly very concerned. Don't buy into Douche's bullshit, Stephen. Douche says his lungs are scarred (more like "scared") after a particularly vicious battle against the campfire. Apparently he inhaled a lot of smoke that the other four somehow escaped. Douche interviews with his new scarred lungs voice that he hopes his asthma doesn't kick in if he's sent to Exile. "This asthma's kicking my ass," he says. Well, of course. Except that I'm sure they provide contestants with inhalers and I'm also sure that Douche is looking for any and all excuses not to go to Exile, where he'll be exposed as knowing less about solo survival than Stephen. You can either walk around proclaiming that you're the dragon slayer or you can whine about being felled by freaking smoke, but you can't do both. Unless you're a delusional douchebag, so I guess it works. Douche says that "the noble thing" is to send either J.T. or himself to Exile, while the "cold, calculating competitor" in him wants to send either Taj or Erinn. But I thought we were playing this game with truth and honesty and honor and stuff. Perhaps asthmatic Vikings sent women off to face hardships in their stead.

Stephen begins his interview with an exasperated "oh god," which is a good sign. He says he and J.T. really want to send Douche to Exile because he's so obviously terrified of it and has rallied hard for everyone but him to go. Stephen sees right through Douche's health ailments, saying that his bad back and asthma has never been a factor in challenges. While Stephen and J.T. work on starting a fire (which even Taj, the pampered millionaire who grew up in the city, can do at this point), Stephen voiceovers that he doesn't think Douche can start a fire or cook food if left on his own. As soon as Douche walks away, Stephen asks J.T. if they should tell Douche they're sending him to Exile. J.T. thinks for a minute before shrugging. "It don't matter," he says. Ouch. J.T. interviews that "such an adventurous soul as Douche shouldn't be afraid to be to Exile." Nevermind your back and lungs, Douche -- does your ass hurt? Because all of those high adventure survival stories you made up just bit you in it. J.T. adds that he has no problem sending Douche to Exile and voting him out at the next Tribal Council. In fact, he hopes Exile will make Douche all the weaker and easier to defeat at the immunity challenge.

Reward challenge! We see a large maze that spells out "Survivor." The contestants walk in, and Probst greets them with "what's up, Final Five?" It's like he almost likes them or something. He explains the challenge: contestants will race through the maze to a station with wooden sticks and rope. They must use the sticks and rope to construct a long pole with which to grab a sandbag that they will then swing to try to knock down three targets. By the way, the contestants' feet will be shackled together just to make them all look extra silly and increase the chances of someone falling over and seriously hurting himself. The winner gets the luxury overnight reward: a trip to "the governor's mansion," which comes with a bed, shower, and food. "Worth playing for?" Probst asks. "Yeah," everyone responds. "I know it is," Probst says. Well then, why ask? Shut up, Probst.

The challenge begins! The contestants hop-run into the maze. J.T. takes the lead, and everyone follows him except for Taj, who is smart enough to realize that she can't beat J.T. in a footrace so her only chance is to hope that he's on the wrong path and she's on the right one. Stephen tries to deviate from J.T.'s path, too, but quickly hits a dead end. Taj does, too. Well, it was still a good idea. Meanwhile, Douche's bad back and smoky asthma lungs aren't giving him any trouble as he follows J.T. around the maze. "Taj and Stephen falling right out of it!" Probst says as Stephen gives us a hilariously sarcastic double thumbs up.

J.T. gets through the maze first, followed by Douche. Please, J.T., please be good at making poles. Don't let Douche win this. Erinn seems to feel the same way, actually cheering J.T. on. All five are soon through the maze and working on their poles. J.T. has a nice lead, thanks to Douche's inability to untie the ropes around his sticks. "J.T. has a nice pole coming along," Probst says. Heh heh heh. Sure enough, J.T. is the first to get his pole ready, and hooks the sandbag easily. He knocks his first target down on the first try. I have a feeling they do a lot of stuff like this just for fun back home on the farm. "Nice job," Erinn says under her breath. Oh, but she hates Douche. J.T. knocks down his second target, and we hear Erinn giggle. They try to make it seem like she was being really loud with her comments, but I think she just said it under her breath and they jacked up the sound. Douche tries to get the sandbag with his pole, which is weak and rickety just like him. Before he can get it, J.T. has knocked down his last target to win the game, and Erinn is more happy than anyone else, including J.T. "That was awesome!" she says, downright gleeful. Stephen gives J.T. a big hug, because he knows that this means he gets an overnight trip, too.

Probst asks J.T. who he's sending to Exile. Douche pleads with his eyes not to be sent, but those eyes just can't give orders like they used to. "Any volunteers?" J.T. asks. Hell no. Stephen gives a nod in Douche's direction. Hee hee hee. "Let's be noble, Douche," says J.T., who, as you might recall, nobly gave up an immunity challenge for pizza and also has never been to Exile himself. But still: HAAAA. Probst asks Douche how he feels about this, and Douche says he's going to "take the monastic approach" and purposely go without fire, water, food, or sleep. Okay, you guys, Douche is kind of brilliant. I mean, I never could have thought of a way out of my own bullshit that

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