Survivor

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quickly. But he's going to totally avoid looking like a clumsy fool with no survival skills by not even trying them and saying it's on purpose. Erinn immediately takes issue with this, shaking her head. "He's gonna take the martyr approach," she titles. She knows that Douche is going to come back all weak from his self-induced fast and "minimize" the experience of those who have gone to Exile before him by basically being the person who had the toughest time out there. This will also, Erinn says, provide Douche with a ready-made excuse for not winning immunity. Stephen and J.T., meanwhile, look kind of grossed out by the display before them as if they weren't all thinking the exact same thing. "Kinda harsh," Douche says. Probst asks if it's true. Douche says he wants Exile to be "tough" on him, but he's not trying to minimize anyone else's experience out there and thinks that Erinn is just trying to cut him down like she has all game to make herself look better. He should have just stopped there, but no. He says that his body is "this close" to "total disaster" with discs on both his right and left sides being all screwed up. Take an anatomy class, Douche. Taj, meanwhile, gets in her first reaction shot to all of this with an awesome eye-roll. "I make no excuses," Douche says, immediately after saying that his asthma is "choking [him] up real bad" (but not bad enough not to keep up with J.T. in the challenge two minutes ago). "You can throw stones at me. You can, everybody else can, and I go like this," he says, tapping his jaw. "Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benetar." She won't be the first great thinker he quotes this week. With that, Douche manages not to rupture any discs in either his left or right spines as he grabs his personal items and leaves for Exile. As soon as he's gone, Probst asks J.T. who he's taking with him on the reward. Of course, J.T. takes Stephen, saying it's because Stephen took him when he won a reward. That also leaves Taj and Erinn behind, hopefully to do some actual plotting against the guys so we can have some kind of strategy this season. Please give me something to work with on Sunday's finale, ladies. On their way out, J.T. gives the post-challenge wrap-up that Erinn just shot herself in the foot with her comments to Douche.

Erinn and Taj return to camp and enjoy the silence that comes from Douche not being around. Taj is happy to see the sun out, saying "there won't be no shade for Douche." Ha! But take note, Erinn: Taj chose the correct time and place for that comment. Taj interviews that she's not worried that Stephen and J.T. are off together because she feels "very confident" in her alliance. Don't be confident, Taj. Even when you're playing with morons. Erinn is starting to feel bad about what she said to Douche. "It was not an appropriate venue," she now realizes. She says she probably should have had the conversation when he got back just between the two of them. But that would have meant having a conversation with Douche, which can't be fun. Of course, Taj encourages Erinn to let her feelings out when and wherever, saying that Douche was a jerk for refusing to eat while saying he had all these injuries that didn't seem to slow him down during the reward challenge. "Had he won, the warrior would've been back!" Taj says. Hee. "I don't understand the man, I don't understand his motives," Erinn says, adding that she's afraid that her outburst will count against her and take her out of the game before Douche. Erinn interviews that her "strategy" is to go as far as possible with J.T. and Stephen. Sigh. Why can't Taj and Erinn team up together? I mean, come on.

And then, Exile. Wouldn't it be awesome if we didn't see any of Douche's Exile adventure? Like, they just cut it out of the show entirely. But no. Instead, we get an epic montage of Douche's journey through Exile. He walks through a puddle. He is condemned to death. He is given his cross. He walks up a sand dune. He falls for the first time. He sees his mother. Simon of Cyrene carries his cross. Veronica wipes his face. A buzzard flies overhead. He falls for the second time. He meets the daughters of Jerusalem. He finds the campsite. He falls for the third time. He is stripped of his clothes. He interviews that Exile will be like "a vacation." He is nailed to the cross. He is happy to be away from the "wishy-washy people back at camp with no character" and refers to himself in the third person. He dies on the cross. He uses like twenty adjectives to describe how awesome he is. His body is removed from the cross. He says he won't eat, just like "the ancient American Indians that are [his] ancestors" who probably didn't have much of a choice whether or not they ate and would have been thrilled to find a bag of rice provided for them. He says that they would commune with nature in the transition from boy to man, then the music abruptly stops and he says he's already a man, so this will just make him more of one. The music returns. He is laid in the tomb. He prays that he can forgive Erinn for her harsh (but so true) words, then tattles on her to his god that she's talking shit about him back at camp right now.

Douche interviews that Erinn called him a martyr, but he isn't a martyr. And then he shows us his new "dragon cane," the only cane worthy of a self-proclaimed dragon slayer. He mumbles something about speaking truth and being eloquent (apparently confusing "eloquent" with "rambling on and on about whatever") and says he hopes Erinn goes home next, because he's really not all that forgiving in the end, is he? Referring to himself in the third person again, he says his body is weak but he can still somehow outlast everyone else in this environment that he rallied hard not to be sent to in the first place. And with that, he climbs to the top of the sand dune with his dragon cane while the helicopter circles and does some stupid warrior poses with it. Gross. Go away.

A great silver bird flies across the sky. Inside sit J.T. and Stephen, who are pretty happy with themselves. J.T. calls it the best reward he could have asked for, since he's always dreamed of flying in a private plane. "It was really awesome," he says in his adorable way. And there's the governor's mansion, which I'm sure wasn't built on a lot of cocaine money or anything. The plane lands on a terrifying dirt runway and then they're shown to a nice cabin with hammocks all over the front porch. They get to check out their bed and bathroom, where they see themselves in the mirror for the first time in over thirty days. "Oh my god! This is what I look like. Wow!" Stephen says. He seems surprised that he has a beard, which is kind of weird since you'd think he would have felt it by now. "Look at my hair, man!" J.T. says. Stephen adds that his teeth are looking gross, and I think that would be the one thing I couldn't deal with in this game. I hate, hate, HATE the feeling of unbrushed teeth. J.T. kicks Stephen out so he can take a shower, which he enjoys while quasi-porn music plays in the background.

We don't get to see Stephen's shower, instead cutting to the meal portion of the evening. Stephen and J.T., in bathrobes, sit down to a Brazilian barbecue, which will feature "many kinds of meat," according to the waiter. "Feliz Navidad," J.T. says, as it's the only Spanish phrase he knows. Too bad they speak Portuguese here, J.T. The boys gorge themselves on many kinds of meat, or as Stephen calls it, "a meat festival," which also includes grilled pineapple, which is not a meat. Once they've stuffed themselves, they give themselves a beer toast to being the final two. Never toast to yourself -- that's bad luck. And now it's time to talk strategy. J.T. thinks Douche might be good to take to the Final Three, saying he'd like to get rid of Erinn next for her "dumb move" of going after Douche. Stephen interviews that Erinn proved that she "can't really control what she says" and unnecessarily rubbed salt in Douche's wounds. "It kind of makes me want to keep her less," Stephen says. NOOOOO! Stephen, I swear to God, if you vote Erinn out and keep Douche I will ha

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