Survivor

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It is Finished
te you forever.

And it's time to go back to Exile Island, which we never do except for this time because it's Douche and the editors have decided that if they had to suffer through him all season, then we have to, too. Thanks for that, guys. While buzzards or vultures circle overhead, we see Douche lying in some water, hopefully dead. But no, he's alive. He interviews that he didn't get any sleep, food, or much water. "And it was friggin' awesome," he claims, stroking his dragon cane. He tells the camera about all the exotic places he probably hasn't ever been and says they can add this to his fictional list. He weakly says that his health is continuing to decline and his asthma is definitely a problem, but he's still strong and focused mentally. And he's walking around in his boxer briefs, which I'd rather not see. He quotes Marcus Aurelius (what, no Joan Jett? Nothing from Heart?) and says he's planning on winning immunity today. With that, he gathers up his things and blows the boom mic a kiss.

Immunity challenge! The four players arrive looking strong and determined. Probst calls Douche in, and it's a big old production, with him walking slowly and weakly with the help of his dragon cane and some stupid background music. Taj takes one look at him and nearly does a spit-take. Stephen gives Douche a hug. Taj interviews that Douche came back with a cane and a limp and is clearly "such a drama queen. He's so dramatic. Any thirty-seven year-old man who thinks he's a dragon slayer belongs in a mental institution. They need to come get him. When we have Tribal Council, he'll be free and they can take him home." You guys, Taj is just the best. She was the best when she was in SWV and she is the best still today. That SWV song, "Right Here," the "Human Nature" mix? Still good! I went back and watched the video for old time's sake, and Taj is riding horses and fishing and wearing those high-wasted jean shorts with the cuffs rolled up, so she was totally lying when she said she didn't know anything about living in the outdoors. Probst asks Douche how Exile went, and Douche says he was cold and tired and without food, water, or fire. Cut to Taj, admirably resisting laughing in his face. "I had the best time of my life. It was euphoric," Douche claims. Probst just nods. Erinn smiles. This is exactly what she expected to see and hear.

Probst takes the immunity necklace from Stephen while Douche takes some water, also from Stephen. Probst explains the challenge: each contestant will brace himself between two walls with his hands while his feet will rest on very thin ledges. Every fifteen minutes, the contestant will have to move down to an even thinner foothold until the third one, when it becomes an endurance challenge. This looks like a bad time. Probst says that the winner gets immunity and a 25% chance of winning this game. Douche pounds his fist and closes his eyes while Probst says this as if he hasn't gotten enough attention this week.

With that, the challenge begins. For the first fifteen minutes, everyone's looking pretty chill. No one falls, and then they move down to the next foothold. Probst talks to Douche, asking if the time he spent meditating on Exile might have helped him in a challenge like this. Douche starts talking about the feeling in the pit of every man's stomach, and Taj crosses her eyes. God, she is the best. THE BEST. Erinn just laughs. Be careful, Erinn! Giggles can make you fall. Douche claims that he put himself in "the most extreme situation" possible even though he tried really freaking hard to avoid it all game and was sent there by J.T. He concludes that he wanted his mind to tell his body something and I stopped paying attention like ten minutes ago. I just can't take him anymore, guys. I'm sorry.

A cheesy flag wipe takes us to the end of the second fifteen minutes. The contestants move down to the last foothold, and Erinn can't make it. She drops and goes to the bench. Everyone starts to look pained as Probst says this challenge is all mental. It wasn't for Erinn, though. She physically slipped and fell. Stephen is the next to go, no doubt weighed down by all that meat. Taj follows him down, but that's okay because she has the hidden immunity idol so she'll be fine. I think this is the last time she can use it, right? I would've been out of that challenge before it even started if I was her. Annoyingly, Douche is still up there. That means it's up to J.T. to win it. Again. "The listener and the talker. The young buck, the older warrior," Probst says. He can't call Douche "old," because Probst is older than he is. J.T. asks Probst if he has any food to bribe him down with. J.T., what the fuck is that? You just had lots of food. Why are you so greedy? It's not like you don't have ample amounts of fat stored up in that belly of yours to burn. Douche tells J.T. to go ahead and step down unless he needs to win to vote Douche out tonight. J.T. can't believe that Douche doesn't trust him. "I trust you implicitly, J.T. You know that," Douche says. Probst says this match up is exactly what Douche claimed he wanted: a battle of the warriors.

Fifty minutes into the challenge, both men are looking pained. J.T. asks if Douche doesn't want to just quit. Douche, who we see is wearing toe rings, which stopped being popular around the time SWV left the charts, says he has "something to prove." "Don't hurt your back anymore," Taj says. And as soon as she mentions his back, Douche sees his out and starts screaming in fake pain, despite those lung issues he claims he has. The music swells to ridiculous levels. Douche falls, and Taj and Erinn try not to look really happy about this. In fact, Taj looks genuinely impressed with how long Douche stayed up there. Probst pronounces J.T. the winner, and then Douche collapses on the ground and curls up in a fetal position. Stephen falls for it, running towards Douche with a concerned "oh my god, man!" Everyone has to gather around Douche, who sobs about his back. And now they all have to help Douche stand up. Except for Erinn, of course. Douche crawls to the bench, and Probst asks if he's okay. Douche weakly wheezes that his back was spasming for the last ten minutes of the challenge. "I felt something go," Douche whines. Yes, I'm sure your back broke. Whatever. Probst asks if Douche wants the doctor to check it out. Douche refuses, of course, since there's nothing actually wrong with him. His take on it, though, is that his back is so bad that medical would immediately order him to leave the game, and since he wants to stay in this game, he begs Probst not to send him to medical. Taj's sympathy just flew out the window, as we see from the look on her face. With that, Probst gives immunity to J.T. and tells everyone to leave. On the way out, Douche asks J.T. if he could've gone a lot longer on the challenge. "Yeah," J.T. says. "I figured that," Douche says. Then he leans on J.T. and his dragon cane to walk back to camp while Stephen gives the post-challenge wrap-up that Douche appeared to really be suffering and he felt bad for him. But he still thinks Douche is a strong competitor, and that's not someone he wants to go to the end with. Way to go, Douche: your only chance to stay in this game was to perform so poorly in both the reward and immunity challenges that everyone would have considered you to be a non-threat and kept you around. Instead, you managed to beat everyone except J.T. and finally, with the physical powerhouse that was Debbie gone, become a target.

Douche is somehow able to walk back to camp unassisted. He tells J.T. that if he was the one who got steak and beer before the challenge, he still wouldn't have won. Okay then, shut up. Let's hear from Erinn instead: "Douche was really ridiculous today." God, yes. She sees right through him -- he acts like he's weak except when he needs to be strong to win a challenge. Then he's weak again. Taj can't figure Douche's strategy out, asking Erinn if he's trying to get sympathy or something. Taj notes that Douche's back seems to be just fine now, as he's walking around upright and gathering

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