And suddenly we're live in Los Angeles and there's a live "band" performing the theme to Survivor. Whoever got one of those chanting gigs seriously needs to fire her agent. On the CBS soundstage, they've recreated the Survivorset...or else they've filmed the entire season here, which would be no big surprise. The camera pans over to Cheri Oteri and Will Ferrell pretending to be Colby and Tina. But wait...that really is Colby and Tina! We see that they're watching the end of the last episode. Then it's time for Peachycam; he's sitting, alert, in the helicopter. I suppose that's a didgeridoo the guy is playing -- the very long thing that Mad Dog plays later in the reunion special? ["Yep." -- Wing Chun] Tina looks as though Colby's mom and her makeup helped her out with a little cosmetics lesson. Colby looks like his mom and her makeup helped him out with more than a little home cooking. Everyone in the audience cheers as the helicopter becomes visible around the side of the building; it then lands on a Survivor helipad. Peachy alights from the helicopter and scurries seriously past the security man who opens the door for him. Peachy's too important these days to open his own doors.
Peachy crosses the fake bridge to the fake Tribal Council set while people hoot and cheer at his arrival. We then pan over to the jury and see that they've been forced to wear the same clothes they wore when they voted. I would have burned those clothes by now. ["Or at least sold them on eBay." -- Wing Chun] Peachy says that they're a "far cry" from the Outback, and that it was "truly an organic nature." He says that they now inhabit a "new and yet authentic Survivor world." At this point, I was going so crazy over the poor dialogue that my husband felt the need to point out that it's probably scripted by someone other than Peachy. I don't care -- it's just so bad. Peachy's "gotta ask" what Colby and Tina are thinking. Colby says that it's his first breath in two hours. Jerri cackles loudly -- her breath-binding spell apparently worked. Peachy says that Tina was "close to the chest" while they were in the Outback, and that he wants to know how she feels now. Tina feels emotional. Peachy says he loves Survivor because it's an easy paycheck and sixteen people to boss around. Okay, he doesn't say that. He says he loves Survivor because ultimately all the players reveal exactly what they think of each other. He says they eventually "gain some new insights into [their] own self-perception." Peachy then tries to head off criticism over the delayed vote by claiming that without it, the S2 would never have had the chance for a full perspective. Peachy asks whether they have regrets. Tina says that she did what she could to get there, and that the rest was luck. Colby, having just watched the voting, jokes that he wasn't shocked to lose Jerri's vote, but that he was surprised by Alicia's. He laughs and says, "Let's get it on, man. I'm excited." But Peachy's not ready to give up the spotlight yet. He says he senses a "true camaraderie" between Colby and Tina; they agree that it's incredible as they grope for each other's hands and knees. Colby then starts talking about how unpredictable the winner is, because of the ever-changing group dynamics. He says that winning challenges means nothing when you're sitting before the jury. Peachy makes the jury promise for the second time that they haven't revealed their votes to each other. Peachy then mentions the prizes again. Colby might get a mate for his Aztek; the winner also receives a million dollars and the Barramundi flag, which Peachy claims "still has just enough aroma that it will take you right back there." Peachy pronounces that the "most coveted thing" will be the winner's title, which is bunk. He then finally reinforces for Tina and Colby that they want their name read in this vote, while Tina and Colby keep looking at each other and laughing.