Survivor

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Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
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Tempura Battered

And so, while the rice and beans cook in two separate pots, Douche does indeed go off to talk to Candace. He grabs her hand with one hand and caresses her arm with the other. Creep. I hate it when men do that ... unless they're hot. Which Douch isn't. Candace laughs that he's full of it, and Douche says he's serious that he's sorry for whatever he did and she's sorry for "coming at me a little bit strong." Yes, how DARE she state her opinion in a calm and reasonable manner. Uppity bitch! Douche is (was) a soccer coach, okay? You're just a lowly lawyer. Respect it! Erinn watches the whole thing with a look on her face that seems to say "oh, no. I live with a douche" or perhaps "as a hairdresser, Douche's Seagaltail personally offends me." Either way, I love that the editors included it. Douche sidles up to Candace's boobs and demands a kiss. She tells him he can kiss her on the cheek. He licks her face instead. Fucking gross. Kick him off the show. That is wrong. And he probably did it to those poor girls he used to coach all the time, too. At least we know they're free now! Candace interviews that Douche's ego is "bigger than Brazil" and it "will be the death of him." Let's hope that happens soon.

Over at JalapeƱo, the realities of living in the outdoors are setting in for Taj, who says she doesn't do this kind of thing ever and mentions her husband. Spencer asks what her husband does, and for some reason, it never occurred to Taj that she would have to think of a cover story, so she stammers and comes up with "uh ... football analyst." Someone gives her an out asking if he does just college sports, but she says no, he does college and NFL. Then she tells them all her real last name and they all figure out that she's married to former NFL player Eddie George. Both Joe and, surprisingly (since he's gay and I apparently believe in stereotypes. Shame on me) Spencer are very familiar with Eddie George, with Joe even knowing that he's a Heisman trophy winner and what college he went to. "It's a pretty big deal to be on a tribe with Eddie George's wife," Spencer says, still not knowing that Taj is a big deal in her own right. She's also kind of stupid. Way to put an "I don't really need the money" target on your back, Taj. Stephen interviews that he has no idea who Eddie George is, because he's a New York City Jew and that stereotype is still holding up. JT interviews what's on everyone else's mind: Taj is super-rich and he isn't.

Challenge time! We're in for yet another double reward/immunity challenge because the challenge creators are lazy. God hates Probst, so he sends down a flash thunderstorm just as he's greeting everyone. Ha ha! Probst hates getting wet; all his hair dye runs. Much to Stephen's obvious chagrin, this will be a very physical challenge. Three members of each tribe, chosen at random but matching up an equal number of boys and girls, will compete against each other on a wading pool/basketball court. Probst will throw a ball into the middle, and teams must wrestle each other to get the ball and score in their team's basket. First team to three points wins immunity and fishing gear. And we're still doing the Exile "Island" thing even though it was such a disaster last season, so the winning tribe will pick a member of the losing tribe to go there. But this season, Probst claims, there is a twist. He pulls a small scroll from his back pocket and says he'll read it later. I wonder if it says "no more fake idols, please." And with that, Debbie sits out and the challenge begins after yet another cheesy immunity idol wipe, this time with lightning.

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Survivor

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