Survivor

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Tempura Battered

Brendan returns to Taj, who asks if she can see his paper. He says no, but Taj doesn't feel like pretending he doesn't obviously have a clue to the immunity idol and offers to help him look for it rather than sit around by herself. He accepts. Taj interviews that her plan is to "work" Brendan by being friendly so that she might have a chance to get the idol for herself, which she thinks she needs now that her tribe knows she's rich. That's something she should have thought about before she told them all she was rich at the first possible opportunity. Finally, Brendan shows her the clue. Good move on his part, because she immediately figures out that "homelands" means "where we live." As in, the idol is hidden back at camp and not at Exile. Brendan realizes that both camps have an idol hidden somewhere. And we know he will leave no beach undug in his quest to find it.

With no idol to find, the two sit down and chat instead. Taj claims that she doesn't have a bond with anyone on her tribe yet, so she'd like to form one with Brendan. "I'm all for that," he says, and they both agree to keep the fact that there's an idol hidden somewhere in their camp a secret from their teammates. Brendan interviews that his entrepreneur skills make it easy for him to let people think they can trust him. And now, he and Taj have what could be a very helpful bond for both of them if they end up on the same tribe somewhere down the line.

Well, well, well. Looks like Tempura is cooking rice and beans in one pot after all. And they're loving it! So, fuck you, Douche. They talk about the challenge, and Erinn expresses surprise at the strength of "that little old lady." Dumbass. When has Survivor ever cast a "little old lady?" They're always women who look older than they are because they lived hard as loggers or truckers or whatever while you were sitting pretty and cutting hair. Candace interviews that she was disappointed to lose the challenge because now someone has to go home. She decides to take matters into her own hands and rally for that someone to be Douche. Hooray! Candace is my hero! She talks about Douche's non-performance at the challenge and compares him to the women at her church who attend services but "they ain't on the up-and-up." Ha ha -- Douche is a church lady. Candace interviews that Douche doesn't have the physical skills she expected and doesn't bring much else to the table "except a lot of talk."

Guess who else is doing a lot of talk? Stupid Debbie, who runs over to Douche and tells him that Candace is gunning for him. "I don't like being around negativity," she says. Then don't go on a reality show that's all about screwing each other over, dumbshit. And don't be in your forties and a high school principal and wearing a bikini on national television, either. I don't know what I would have done if my high school principal went on Survivor. But I guess it wouldn't have been too much of a problem since he was an asshole and probably would have been voted out ASAP. Douche decides to totally abandon his "let the strong survive" plan in favor of saving his own ass. So even though Candace did an awesome job in the challenge and scored fifty percent of her team's points, she's a "poison apple" and needs to go. Douche interviews that Candace is a "cancer on the team." Uh-huh. There is no "I" in "team," but there is a "me," so I'm pretty sure that Douche really means "a cancer on me." Because she's not trying to destroy the team. She's trying to help it by getting rid of you, who is the real cancer on the team. Speaking of cancer, did you know that Douche said in an interview that he explained his absence to be on this show to his employers by saying he had to have extensive tests for cancer? Twice? Asshole. His locks flowing free, Douche says getting rid of Candace will be "addition by subtraction." Kind of like how that soccer team he coaches will be getting much better now that he's been subtracted from the coaching staff.

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Survivor

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