The Sole Surviving All-Star

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
The Triumph Of The Waif

Previously on I Guess That's Why They Call It The Snooze: A military escort was necessary to keep the All-Stars safe from the...oh, the Whigs or the Huguenots or the Animal Liberation Front or what have you, as they skimmed across Panama on their way to greener, leafier, and sexier pastures than those that had gone before. It appeared that Big Tom noted that this game was "for the big boys," although he may have noted that it was "furta bibvoys," which I believe is Turkish for "centered on the ancient themes of hypocrisy and borderline starvation." The tribes were briefly stuck without supplies, and they found it very difficult to make fire, as they were by rule not permitted to use the flickering embers of their own celebrity. "Nobody trusts anybody," Boston Rob told us early on.

Themes centered somewhere below the waist included The Usually Futile Effort To Avoid Hatch's Ass, along with the Multi-Stage Young Studmuffins' Dick-Measuring Contest. Surprisingly, Chapera, the winnerless little tribe that could, got off to a roaring start, challenge-wise. Tina took the first boot, but Rudy took the second. And then Jenna M.'s mother got sick, leading to a precipitous drop in the likelihood of female nudity. It rained. Rupert's sand hole flooded. Jerri cried. When Chapera finally made it to tribal council, Boston Rob wasted no time in dispensing with Amazon Rob, undoubtedly the biggest threat to his assorted evil schemes as well as the guy most likely to bust out with "Magic Carpet Ride" on about Day 26 and make everybody want to die. Then Saboga was dissolved, and while it seemed like Ethan might be on the block, Mogo Mogo served up a bit of a shocker by booting Hatch. Sue left under strange and unsettling circumstances; the less said about that, the better. Chapera recovered and ran off the next two challenges, relieving Mogo Mogo of the broad shoulders of Colby and Ethan.

Over at Chapera, meanwhile, Rob and Amber started to do a little not-so-covert smooching. But then the tribes were "mixed," which meant essentially that Amber was sent over to Mogo Mogo (which was now Chapera, but that will just be confusing, so forget that part happened). When Mogo Mogo lost the immunity challenge, they more than obviously needed to vote Amber off in order to have a chance, but Lex fell for an offered deal from Rob and decided to vote off Jerri instead, making him quite possibly the biggest sucker in the history of the game. This was followed by the merge, and guess what? Yeah, Lex was the first to go. Which would have been a really heartbreaking scandal had it not been so...well, hilarious. And then Kathy went, and then -- after Shii Ann unexpectedly won immunity -- Alicia went. Shii Ann then finally ran out of luck at last and was eliminated, followed by an unconvincingly "menacing" Big Tom. And then there were four -- Rob, Amber, Rupert, and Jenna. Two pairs of allies, one more episode. And it's a good thing, too, because I am getting a serious headache. Oh, and in other news, the jury deployed a barrage of eye-rolls and tongue clicks to make it very clear that they were going to be the biggest bunch of whiny-ass babies in the history of the game, which they apparently believed was going to make them look noble. They were sadly mistaken.

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