The Sole Surviving All-Star

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
The Triumph Of The Waif

And now, it's time for the jury to ask questions. Fasten your seatbelts and strap on your hip waders, people, because you're going to need them.

The first person to speak is, unfortunately, Lex. He and his Mohawk get up and say the following, which you really have to experience in its entirety, just on the off-chance that you missed it: "It's just a game. That's something we've probably all said a thousand times while we were out here. And I'm sure that for both of you, it was an excuse that helped wash away the guilt as you played the game the way that you played it. You know what? That phrase, 'it's just a game'? It's a big lie. It's not just a game." He turns to the rest of the jury, as if representing them. "For all of us out here, for all of you, it's life. And the line between game and life is not cut and dried. Life blurs into the game constantly. This game exposes who we are as people to the core. It's like truth serum. And I think the way you play this game is representative of the kind of person you are. The hardest lesson I learned out here was about friendship and betrayal. And I think the true measure of a man is what kind of friend he is. What kind of a friend are you, Rob? What kind of a friend were you to me? You asked me to do you a favor. Bro to bro. Friend to friend. And I did the only thing I could do, and that was to answer the call of a friend in need. You repaid that by putting a knife in my back." Here, Lex adopts a look of phony resignation. "As far as this game's concerned, I lost, and you both beat me. No sour grapes [sic], no bitterness [sic]. With all sincerity [sic], I congratulate both of you [sic] for making it to the final two. But as I see it, as good as your game was, you sold out your values, you sold out your character, and you sold out your friends for a stack of greenbacks. I hope it was worth it, because that money will never be enough to buy it all back."

Congratulations, Lex. You are officially the biggest hypocritical dipshit in the history of reality television. You are more hypocritical than Rupert, you are more of a dipshit than Wil, and you are a more pitiful excuse for a competitor than Flo. Do you hear how many things in that speech make absolutely no sense? As Rob said himself right after all that happened, if Lex didn't help Rob as a strategy but instead helped him as a friend, then he would not have expected anything from Rob except personal, friend-to-friend gratitude, which Rob offered him. Rob could just as easily turn around and say the favor was done outside the game as Lex can claim that it was requested outside the game. If Lex expected a game-related payoff, then Lex did it for game-related reasons. It's right there in black and white. A favor that's done "bro to bro" (ack) is not done in exchange for anything. And let's ask Ethan about the stack of greenbacks and the selling out, while we're at it. Who said "it's business"? Who said it's not personal? Who said people just have to understand? Lex, Lex, and Lex, in case you're keeping score at home. The game exposes who you are? Yeah, it does. Either you value your friendships enough to keep them clear of the game, or you end them over the fact that you were denied your shot at the money. You know who sold out the friendship? Lex. Not Rob. Lex. Rob offered a deal, which he broke. Deals have been broken on Survivor since time immemorial, and nobody ever likes it, but it's most certainly part of the game. Lex, on the other hand, tried to cash in the personal relationship by boo-hooing all over Rob in order to get what? To get kept in the game. To get his shot at the money. In short? Get your own ass out of fishnets before you start trying to preach to the whores.

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