The Sole Surviving All-Star

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
The Triumph Of The Waif

And now, Shii Ann. Now this is some butt-kissing. Shii Ann opens with the talk of hurt feelings and such, but she says that, among other things, "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." She directs this fairly obviously at Lex. "I feel like all is fair in love and war and Survivor." And I never, ever, ever expected to hear myself say this, but...word, Shii Ann. She says she really hasn't decided whom she's voting for yet, but she wants them to answer this question: what are three reasons that the person who is not you should win the money? Hmm. She starts with Rob. He talks first about what a "true partner" Amber was, second about how steady she's been, and third about the fact that she was a great supporter of the alliance. "I would not be here right now if it were not for her," he says emphatically. Shii Ann turns to Amber. Amber says that, first off, Rob ruled the challenges. Second, he was trustworthy and dependable for her as well. Third...well, third is pretty much a repeat of second, where Rob was dependable and faithful to her. Amber is foiled by math in these questions. Fortunately, it probably won't matter. Shii Ann thanks them, and she sits down.

Jenna gets up and congratulates the two of them, and says that she doesn't feel all bitchy and bitter toward them the way that some of the others do. She's decided on a version of the high road, so she asks them (get this) what they're going to do with the money if they win. Rob says that he's a volunteer inline hockey coach, and that he'd love to do a scholarship fund for some of the kids go to college. Amber says that she has "a lot of good friends" with muscular dystrophy, including one friend who's only in her twenties, so that would be her charity of choice. Thanks, Jenna, for that break from the stream of ugliness, distasteful as that break may have been.

And now, Big Tom. He gets up. He tells Rob, "You did exactly what you said you -- oh, wait a minute," and then it's all this sarcastic blah blah blah, poor me, I made it to top five instead of top three like the three of us agreed. I've got news for you, Big Tom. If you had made top three, Rob would have won that immunity challenge and you would be sitting exactly where you are now. So as to the failure of Rob and Amber to take Tom to the final three, it made absolutely no difference. "Rob," he smirks next, "I got goats on the farm, and when they get to runnin' a nanny, I castrate 'em, and I never seen a boy run a woman like you did." So, now we know Big Tom is also a sexist pig, in case you were wondering. I mean, come on. Rob may have carried Amber, but Rob certainly didn't "run" her, and even if he did, comparing women to sexually dominated barnyard animals is considered impolite in most circles. Alicia watches this with a twisted smirk that I certainly hope she had the sense to be really embarrassed about later. Tom goes on to ask Amber why he should give her the million and not Rob. She stammers that this isn't a question she's going to enjoy answering, but if she's forced to answer it, she'll be honest about it. "I'd appreciate that," Tom says sarcastically, as if Amber is the stupidest person who ever lived and he is so entertained by it all. She tells him she just means that with Rob sitting next to her, it's not an easy thing to do. "Well, sometimes it's hard to be honest, Amber, I could tell you all about that," Big Tom says, even more sarcastically, because Big Tom is the Great Holy Man of Survivor, and didn't at all go directly from the finale to an interview with TV Guide in which he admitted that he intended to screw Rob and Amber the entire time until he figured out that Lex had blown it by coming in with numbers too small to sustain. Oh, wait -- actually, he did. So this entire load is just that -- a load. Big Tom's wounded-bird, I-would-have-been-loyal routine is an enormous pile of horseshit, nothing more and nothing less. The only reason Big Tom is angry is that Rob nailed his ass first -- that is it, period, end of sentence. Stow it, Tom.

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