Survivor
The Sole Survivor

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Goodbye, Scuttling Crabs!

The show opens with a cheering crowd in Central Park. Rosie O'Donnell wants us to get ready, because here we go! She introduces Sue Hawk, who Rosie says has "had a couple beers," and who yet again gives the same old "if you were dying of thirst, I wouldn't give you a drink of water" Tribal Council speech. And really, it was outrageous and kind of funny the first time we heard it, but now it's just tired. Then, Sue gets cut off before she can further embarrass herself, and we go to the show!

Except not really, because it's Peachy's turn to blather on. He recaps what's happened during the entire season, and I'm not going there because if you haven't watched the show this far along, then what are you doing watching it now? Peachy narrates what is basically a miniature version of a clips show, and it's just as entertaining as a clips show. Which is to say, not at all entertaining. In short, there were two tribes. Some people liked each other; some didn't. Some worked hard; some didn't. Some got voted out; some didn't. Some annoyed the hell out of us...well, more so than some others, anyway. Then the competitors merged into one tribe in which some people liked each other, and some didn't. Some worked hard; some didn't. Some got voted out; some didn't. Some annoyed the hell out of us, and others continued to annoy us to no end, and will continue to do so until the day we die.

Then, we finally get to what really happened previously: Kathy won immunity and got stuck between two pairs that may or may not have been alliances. Paschal gentlemanly told Sean to quit running his mouth all the time, and Sean insisted that he was listening, and that he had respect for Paschal, even though he probably shouldn't have after Paschal's recent behavior. So Sean got voted out, and four now remain. Who will outlast all the rest and become the soul survivor? Here's a hint: it's not Beyoncé Knowles.

The moon is full on this grand occasion. A slow-motion, night-vision scuttling crab appears and does what it does best: scuttles. Vecepia blows on the fire, and Kathy and Paschal agree that something or someone around the camp has bad breath. Kathy exclaims "Good God!" over the just-ended Tribal Council. The camera lasciviously follows Vecepia's motions as she dons a rather un-sexy pair of baggy pants, and Kathy says that the evening's conversation was very revealing. In a confessional, she tells us she's not okay with the night's vote; there was too much pressure, and she doesn't know if she did the right thing. She tells us that she hated making such a critical choice, and she won't know if she made the right decision until two days from now. A cameraman with a foot fetish has clearly become a member of the crew.

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Survivor

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