Whatever! It's time for the Survivor auction! Each contestant gets $500 US dollars to bid on food items in $20 increments. Neither the money nor the food can be shared. Debbie claims she understands this, and the auction begins with a plate of fries. She startles Taj with her excited outburst and the bidding begins. Taj bids $40, and Debbie bids $50, prompting a hilarious "you cannot be serious with such foolishness" double take from Taj. Probst gently reminds Debbie that bidding has to be in $20 increments. "Uh ... $70!" Debbie says. Wow. Taj's expression is once again awesome as she displays horror for the future of the students at Debbie's middle school. Erinn busts out laughing, which is pretty much all she'll be doing on today's show, which is kind of awesome. She must be having the best time out there out of anybody, just sitting back and laughing at all the idiots that surround her. Debbie continues not to understand the concept of this auction, forcing Probst to bid the $60 for her. Douche and Taj place bids, and then Debbie finally figures this thing out in time to win the fries for $120.
The next item is a plate of chicken parmesan that looks like it's been sitting out for a while, garlic bread, and a glass of red wine. We all know how much Douche loves Italian food (see the immunity challenge he quit for pizza), and he immediately bids $100. This confuses Debbie, so she doesn't bid. Stephen bets $120, and Douche goes for $200. J.T. bids $300, so maybe Debbie isn't the only person who doesn't know how to add in multiples of 20. Douche bids $320, and that takes it. Douche accuses Probst of hesitating before smacking the gavel down and giving Douche the auction win over and over again until Erinn finally yells at him to shut up and eat his food. She's awesome.
The third item is a mystery, and Stephen and J.T. get into a weak bidding war for it that J.T. wins for just $160. His prize is a bowl of nachos topped with congealed cheese and side bowls of guacamole and salsa. He's pretty happy with it.
The fourth item is another mystery. Stephen bids $20 on it, and J.T. bids against him just because no one else will. Stephen gets it for $100 after J.T. says he'll "let it go" for such a low price because it's Stephen. "Thank you," Stephen says, not exactly thrilled that J.T. is announcing their alliance to all, or that he didn't let him get the prize for just $20. And what did he win? Probst starts off by saying "it's a delicacy," which Stephen knows is a bad, bad sign. He gets a skewer of cooked chicken hearts. Erinn screams while the background music turns scary. But Stephen is probably glad he's not eating boiled bat or spider or whatever and eats the hearts happily. Hey -- it's protein. Erinn gets over her terror enough to ask Stephen if the hearts taste good. He turns around with a hilarious rictus smile and a sarcastic thumbs-up.