J.T. and Stephen have a conference about Debbie. Stephen agrees that she's becoming very unpleasant around camp and launches into an unflattering but funny impression of her that J.T. joins in on. Whoops! Here comes Debbie, saying she thinks they're talking about her although I don't think she heard what they were saying. She says that she wants to make sure that they know that Douche doesn't speak for her and her alliance is to Stephen and J.T., neither of whom seem particularly thrilled at the prospect. She says they can trust her because she's giving them her "pinky swear word on that." I don't even think that works on the middle schoolers she supposedly is the principal to, although that probably doesn't stop her from trying. Has anyone tried to promise loyalty with a pinkie swear on this show before? How about anyone over the age of thirty? How embarrassing. Everyone hugs, and Stephen is looking so done with Debbie that I can't believe she doesn't realize it. He interviews that Debbie is "a very strategic player" that everyone else tends to underestimate. This worries him, probably because if Debbie is a strategic player, it would make her the only one left besides Stephen himself.
Whatever! It's time for the Survivor auction! Each contestant gets $500 US dollars to bid on food items in $20 increments. Neither the money nor the food can be shared. Debbie claims she understands this, and the auction begins with a plate of fries. She startles Taj with her excited outburst and the bidding begins. Taj bids $40, and Debbie bids $50, prompting a hilarious "you cannot be serious with such foolishness" double take from Taj. Probst gently reminds Debbie that bidding has to be in $20 increments. "Uh ... $70!" Debbie says. Wow. Taj's expression is once again awesome as she displays horror for the future of the students at Debbie's middle school. Erinn busts out laughing, which is pretty much all she'll be doing on today's show, which is kind of awesome. She must be having the best time out there out of anybody, just sitting back and laughing at all the idiots that surround her. Debbie continues not to understand the concept of this auction, forcing Probst to bid the $60 for her. Douche and Taj place bids, and then Debbie finally figures this thing out in time to win the fries for $120.
The next item is a plate of chicken parmesan that looks like it's been sitting out for a while, garlic bread, and a glass of red wine. We all know how much Douche loves Italian food (see the immunity challenge he quit for pizza), and he immediately bids $100. This confuses Debbie, so she doesn't bid. Stephen bets $120, and Douche goes for $200. J.T. bids $300, so maybe Debbie isn't the only person who doesn't know how to add in multiples of 20. Douche bids $320, and that takes it. Douche accuses Probst of hesitating before smacking the gavel down and giving Douche the auction win over and over again until Erinn finally yells at him to shut up and eat his food. She's awesome.
The third item is a mystery, and Stephen and J.T. get into a weak bidding war for it that J.T. wins for just $160. His prize is a bowl of nachos topped with congealed cheese and side bowls of guacamole and salsa. He's pretty happy with it.
The fourth item is another mystery. Stephen bids $20 on it, and J.T. bids against him just because no one else will. Stephen gets it for $100 after J.T. says he'll "let it go" for such a low price because it's Stephen. "Thank you," Stephen says, not exactly thrilled that J.T. is announcing their alliance to all, or that he didn't let him get the prize for just $20. And what did he win? Probst starts off by saying "it's a delicacy," which Stephen knows is a bad, bad sign. He gets a skewer of cooked chicken hearts. Erinn screams while the background music turns scary. But Stephen is probably glad he's not eating boiled bat or spider or whatever and eats the hearts happily. Hey -- it's protein. Erinn gets over her terror enough to ask Stephen if the hearts taste good. He turns around with a hilarious rictus smile and a sarcastic thumbs-up.
Probst announces that the fifth item will be the last, much to J.T.'s chagrin since he was clearly hoping something beef-related would be served tonight. But no, Probst is apparently over the Survivor auction so that's all we'll get. What a rip-off. Not even the traditional giant chocolate cake? Or a plate of cookies? The last item isn't even food, but a product placement phone with a video message from home on it. Taj immediately starts crying. Probst says that only one person may win, but other contestants can give him or her money if they wish. J.T. immediately reaches into his pocket and gives Taj all of his money, even though he really only needs to give her $20 for her to have the $520 that will guarantee the win. Erinn and Debbie pass some money over, too, and that just makes Taj cry harder. Probst notes that this is an extraordinary act of kindness in what is usually a mean game and asks what that means. I think it means that we're playing with some very boring people, but Erinn says that Taj and Debbie are the only contestants remaining who have children, and Taj's is just a little baby. Way to wrap your kind deed in a guilt trip, Erinn. No, really -- that was pretty cool. Probst says that Taj won't even have to bid, which is a good thing since she's too overcome to really speak. Debbie sobs that Taj should go enjoy her prize. Stephen has a hand on Taj's shoulder. Awww, everyone is shown being sweet to Taj except for Douche who wants to cut her legs off. Probst puts the item up for bid anyway, and Taj just gives him all the money. Probst gets all technical and says she won it for $20, so that's all she has to give him. Well, I hope everyone got their money back, then. Taj slaps down the bill, and here comes Football Star Eddie George and the rest of the family sitting in Taj's mansion living room. There's Taj's son (he looks a little bit older than the baby Erinn claimed he was), a dog, and some other woman who is not a bandmate from SWV so who cares about her. Football Star Eddie George says they miss her and the mansion isn't the same without her, but everything is fine at home so she shouldn't worry. Debbie and Erinn cry along with Taj, and with a "see you back at camp!" Football Star Eddie George kisses the camera and the video is over. Taj collapses on Probst's podium, and he asks her if she heard the last thing Football Star Eddie George said. It takes Taj a minute, but she suddenly jumps up and screams "SEE YOU BACK AT THE CAMP OH MY GOD!!!!!" while yanking Probst's arm out of its socket. Taj runs back to hug her tribemates for giving her a family visit over their own chance at one, which they might not have done if they knew this would happen, and Probst says it's not quite that simple. Of course not. Taj will be the only person to have her loved one visit camp UNLESS she makes a sacrifice that will allow everyone else to have his loved one at camp instead. Yo, this sounds like it's going to be insanely mean, but it turns out that even reality show producers' hearts aren't entirely made of stone and the deal is that if Taj goes to Exile Island with Football Star Eddie George, then everyone else's loved one will be back at the camp. It's not exactly the "ultimate sacrifice" the title of this show promised, but that's okay with me. I don't need my reality shows to be inhumanely cruel by withholding loved ones like that. Taj agrees to it in a second, and now everyone is happy, even Douche! Taj practically sprints off to Exile, and we get a slow-motion replay of her excited assault on Probst to take us into the commercial.
Two owls nuzzle each other as Taj arrives at Exile Island. And there he is, Football Star Eddie George! There is much screaming and hugging and even some kissing despite the fact that Taj has not brushed her teeth in over a month. Taj, now wearing Football Star Eddie George's nice clean T-shirt, interviews that when she saw her husband, she wanted a conjugal visit. I have to wonder if he felt the same way. On one hand, she looks great an