And then we head to Tribal Council. Douche does some stupid dance around his torch and then the jury is called in. They're all wearing Douche feathers in their hair and have their coats draped over their right shoulders. Erinn cracks up, because she gets the joke. Douche probably doesn't. If he does, then he doesn't think it's a joke but an ode to his awesome warriorness. Either way, this might be the first time a jury has so blatantly made fun of a contestant. It probably shouldn't be allowed, but obviously the people who make the rules hate Douche as much as the rest of us. Probst starts right in on Douche, asking him who among the five contestants he considers to be the best players he wants to go to the end with. Douche launches into an explanation of how he defines a warrior. Instead of just saying "someone who I think is in my personal alliance. Antonym: cancer, defined as someone who is against me." Douche says that Stephen has gone from "a boy who likes to read books about adventure" to a man who lives it. If you like to read books about adventure, why not consider the (self-published) book some guy wrote based on Douche's supposed journals of his kayaking adventure that he found lying in some Amazon riverbank or something. Speaking of the Amazon, it's available at Amazon.com right now! Only $17.05. The book's own author rated it five stars, so you know it has to be good.
Probst shuts Douche up to ask him what makes Debbie a warrior. Douche says that she's playing this game "for integrity" just like he is and Debbie looks just a little bit guilty. But not that guilty, really, and she'll just forget all the shady stuff she did by tomorrow anyway and claim that she played honestly and truly the entire time. Probst asks why that makes her worthy of making it to the end. Douche says they've been together since Day Three. "I trust her implicitly," Douche says; "she will not lie to me in this game." Everyone he's said that about has lied to him, but he doesn't seem to realize that.
Probst turns to Taj and asks her if announcing that you're paired up with someone since Day Three is wise in this game. Taj says everyone teams up like that because that's how you survive out here, which Douche has done a "great job" at. These people are talking about Douche like he's the special kid in school who can't do whatever everyone else can, but tries really hard anyway. "He's a warrior, he's a dragonslayer," she says, marking the first time I believe another contestant has called Douche this. Probst quickly clears up that Taj only called Douche those things because he calls himself that. "I didn't come up with that, by the way," Douche claims. Probst jumps right on that, asking if a chief in a small village gave him that name. Erinn doubles over with laughter while the rest of the contestants try a bit harder to contain themselves. Over on the jury panel, Sierra is applauding Probst. All that work she put into getting the entire jury to make fun of Douche, and Probst still one-upped her. Has any single contestant been the butt of so many jokes in one Tribal Council like this? Maybe Erik when he gave up immunity and then was voted out, but even then it was about him being young and naïve and making a bone-headed move. This is more about Douche's entire life being a sad pathetic joke that everyone is in on except for him. Well, him and that town that let him swoop in and start a garage symphony. While Sierra harkens back to the early nineties with a "gag me!" gesture, Douche says that Probst tries to cut him down in every Tribal Council, but he loves it. And by "it," he means "attention." "Okay," Probst says, hopefully feeling a little bit ashamed of himself for shooting at such an easy target.
Probst keeps right on talking to Douche, asking him what makes Taj the best person to go to the end. Since Douche is honest and true and plays with integrity, he says that Taj is not the best person to go to the end and needs to be cut off at the knees tonight. Ha ha, not really. He totally lies and says that Taj's "raw emotions" at the auction and her "ultimate sacrifice" of leaving her young son behind to do this show and losing precious time with him that she'll "never get back" is somehow incredible. LOL. Douche just said that Taj's abandoning of her young son in order to get on TV and possibly win a million dollars that she doesn't even need is a good thing. He accidentally just gave her the most passive-aggressive compliment ever. Probst asks Douche if it would be hard to vote Taj out tonight after she "sacrificed" so much to give everyone else time with their loved ones. Except that she didn't because she still got to see her husband and they had a romantic Exile adventure! Douche says it would be difficult for anyone to vote Taj out after that.
Probst goes to J.T. and asks him if Douche is one of the best that should be taken to the end. Obviously, he's asking J.T. this question because he considers J.T. to be the best even though J.T. is worse at immunity challenges than just about everyone else at this point. While everyone makes faces, J.T. says that anyone who is as honest as Douche and puts himself out there deserves to go as far as possible in this game. Douche puts on his self-satisfied smile. Probst turns to Debbie and asks her what could be preventing Douche from making it to the end. Debbie says that Douche's honesty might work against him in a game like this. Um, does the entire Tribal Council really have to be all about Douche? Aren't there five other people in this game?
Probst asks Erinn if tonight's vote will be a surprise. Erinn says maybe. Probst asks Debbie how tonight's vote will change the game. Debbie thinks carefully before saying it'll "change the way this tribe behaves" and will be a surprise. With that, it's time to vote.
Douche votes for Taj, calling her a "beautiful soul" as if he'd know. We get a shot of Taj looking nervous. Then Brendan and Sierra do a synchronized coat-over-the-shoulder Douche move and she starts laughing. Douche walks past them, also with his coat over his shoulder. While Erinn votes, Douche puts his coat back on. I can feel sad for him and still think he's a total douche for taking his jacket off and draping it over his shoulder for no reason other than to strike a pose out of a J.C. Penny catalogue. Debbie votes for Douche, saying the game is changing and playing with honesty and integrity is not possible anymore. Whatever. After spending the entire Tribal Council focused on Douche, it's pretty obvious that he's safe tonight. Also, how can Debbie honestly think that Douche has played this game honestly and with integrity when she knows that they both lied about Sierra? These people are insane. The most boring insane people ever.