The Ultimate Shock

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+

And now, it is time for the ceremonial Burning Of Camp. Tom shouts out their plans for the "celebratory bonfire." They burn the picnic table, the dishes, the sleeping mats, the coffee pot, and a variety of other things that geeks would have paid a jillion dollars for on eBay. Katie voices over about how inside Tom is this "scary beast," not hitting on "smug prick," which is actually the way to attack Tom at this point. She vows to reveal Tom's machinations to the jury. Katie and Tom climb into the canoe and abandon Koror for good, as the Trumpet of Pretend Gravity tootles. Katie hopes to get credit for her choices. Tom promises "no half-truths" with the jury. Honor! I'm so tired.

"AAAAH-AAAAAH," says the dark Tribal Council Music. As usual, this is about as overproduced as a Busby Berkeley musical in reverse, so everything is serious and every dance number includes only one girl. When Tom and Katie are seated, the jurors are brought in. Jeff reminds them that, now, the jury has the power. Thanks, Jeff.

Coby sits pouting with his arms crossed as Tom tees up for his opening statement. Tom claims that he's honored to be there, because he loves honor. "Judge me on who I was," he says, "the fact that I came out, I played real hard, tried to provide, went out and did my work, and never had a nasty word for any of you." He does not add, "Except Ian, whom I tormented mercilessly to get to this point." He returns to "honor," and "humbling," and so forth. Now, on to Katie. She says that she and Tom played very differently, and she's not "even close to Tom in some aspects." She emphasizes, though, that she managed to keep herself in the game without ever having immunity, so she obviously knew something. She insists that attaching herself to Tom and Ian was her plan from the beginning, so there ought to be some respect for that. She, too, is "honored" to be in F2. Oh, everyone is so honored when they're so close to money.

And now, it is time for what is almost always the grossest part of a Survivor season: the snotty jury questions. And leading off? Oh, yeah. It's Coby. A perfect opening, snotty-wise. "So this is going to be serious," Coby says. "I have issues." Well, yes. Yes, you do. And not the ones you think. "I'm bringin' 'em," Coby says, because he thinks he's a bad-ass. "Bring 'em on," Tom says, smiling because he knows Coby isn't a bad-ass. "I respect the fact that I was outplayed by the two of you," Coby says. "But that doesn't mean that I have to respect the way either of you played the game." Well, in fact, it does. If you were genuinely "outplayed," as opposed to other people cheating or something, then I don't see how you can't respect that, but...okay. "So, Katie," he says, and Katie grins and nods, and Coby claims that she's making the whole thing so tough with her "little grin." Don't worry, Coby -- it won't last. Coby just wants to take this opportunity to tell Katie that if he votes for her, it won't be a vote for her, it will just be a vote against Tom. He tells her that she sat out of challenges, she didn't work enough around camp...oh. And: "Your self-proclaimed 'social skills' really don't lie anywhere outside of your alliance." He goes on to tell her, as people have been doing since time immemorial, that she was "riding the coattails of people who do play the game." Of course, there is no such thing as riding coattails in this game, at all, ever. We've been over this. But Coby says it anyway, because it's better than admitting that he shot his own foot off by being such an asshole to everyone. Coby then turns his attention to Tom, and says that Tom played "almost as dirty as [Coby] would have liked to." In fact, he played, Coby says, "every bit as dirty as Ian." So that's the new mythology -- that Ian played dirty. And then there's something about how Tom dances around things at tribal council, and Coby doesn't really wind up asking a question; he just says that he's going to be watching Tom's answers. Or something. And then Coby gets all dramatic: "And know, with every word you say, it could cost you a million dollars." It would be all I could do not to burst out laughing with some of these speeches, seriously.

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