This Has Never Happened Before!

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
Palau, Right In the Kisser

As the entire group gathers on the beach and drip-dries and exchanges introductions, Willard interviews that they didn't even know if there was a tribe or what, because the flag they found read only "Survivor: Palau." Wanda has the map, and to her credit, she manages to show it to people without singing a little ditty about coordinates. Gregg ("Business Consultant"), who looks a little like a shaggier Burton, says that because this was a new way for the game to start, it made him "paranoid." Not that everyone isn't always paranoid so, like, way to catch the snap. But still. And guess what? Stephenie and Jonathan are still trying to swim to shore. That did not work out well at all. Gregg wonders whether they'll remain as a big group or what. "We don't have a clue what's happening," he says. I strongly suspect it's not the first time in his life he has been called upon to use those words, if you get my drift.

After the commercials, we enjoy some tasty shots of the delicious military debris now littering the shores of Palau. Nothing enhances the look of a sunset like the silhouette of guns. And then we are back on the beach, where Caryn is trying to organize in the gentlest way possible -- meaning a way that results in water's being fetched but does not result in everyone's hating her. She suggests that people decide who wants to pursue water, who should work on shelter, and so forth. Ultimately, she gets up a group of about five to go for water, and everyone else stays back to work on a shelter. Coby says that for a situation that was so confusing, he actually thinks their approach was pretty well-organized.

A large and gorgeous fellow works on hacking down branches, and I just about need to lie down, and then my romantic fantasies involving myself and the island of Palau are interrupted by WANDA, dammit, who is singing again. The women near her look over like, "Oh, heh, yeah, hi," and you can just see them cringe. Then Tom, a silver-haired "NYC Firefighter," says that he found it funny the way people were "walkin' around in different directions." Tom, incidentally, is hot. Tom is the soap-opera-actor- of-a-certain-age, your-best-friend's-father kind of hot. ["I prefer the expression 'silver fox.'" -- Wing Chun] He also explains that he declined the opportunity to work on the fire, because it's "a loser job." Okay, just because you fight them normally doesn't mean all fires are bad, Tom!

Actually, by "loser job," I think Tom means "job for losers," and here are some now. As we have seen so many times in the past, the purported makers of fire start out with the bow theory of fire-building, and they snap the thing in half. As usual. Jolanda calls for a "strong man," and it turns out that what she wants him for is to knock the heels off her shoes with a machete. We then hear all about the difficulties of coping with being left in their regular clothes from Ian ("Dolphin Trainer"). I loved Ian immediately, and couldn't figure out why until it was quite correctly pointed out to me that he bears a certain resemblance to Djb, even though he is reportedly 6'7" and Djb is not, quite. We watch as some of the girls cut off pantlegs and whatnot, and Ian sounds like he thought all the skirt/pants modifications were pretty cool. And then in a moment that cemented my love for him for eternity, he talks about all the shirts that were being tied up. "I had mine tied up earlier," he says with a grin into the camera. "But I decided to...stop for now." Well, seriously. It's nice to know that chicks aren't the only ones eyeballing everybody else and being like, "Um, can I have a Hefty bag?"

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