Survivor
This Has Never Happened Before!

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Palau, Right In the Kisser

Ian is first, and he's picking, as Jeff puts it, a "girl." Ian looks over and picks Katie. She and her black lace camisole and red skirt run over and give him big hugs, because, yay, her! I'm figuring they have to have made friends, because she isn't an obvious first-choice pick. Asked to pick a guy, Jolanda picks Bobby Jon. Called upon to pick a guy, Katie picks Tom. (Smart girl.) Bobby Jon picks Stephenie. Tom picks Janu. Steph picks Jeff. (Who?) Janu picks Gregg. Jeff picks Kim. (Who?) Gregg picks Jen. (Who?) Kim picks James. Jen picks Coby. James picks Ashlee. (Who?) Coby is called upon to pick a woman. Remaining are Angie, Caryn, and Wanda. And Coby picks Caryn. And Angie's sad little heart goes "rrrrrrrrip!" She's going to have to get a new tattoo of a snake crying black tears. She looks at the ground, then uncomfortably out at the water, like she doesn't know what to do with her eyes so that she doesn't look at Coby. Ashlee is picking a guy from among Willard, Jonathan, and hot-hot-hot Ibrehem. She takes the hot-hot-hot, and who wouldn't?

So now, only Wanda and Angie remain, of the women. Wanda smiles through an admission to Jeff that her heart is pounding. You can tell she's already thinking about something to the tune of "Camptown Races," but she keeps it to herself for the moment. Men left are Willard and Jonathan, and Jonathan expresses surprise at not having been picked earlier. He apparently failed to watch last season, when we learned that even when you're still trying to win team challenges, it's the thing to do now to get rid of potential immunity monsters. And indeed, Caryn chooses...Willard. I would have been sad if Willard had been booted off. Jonathan was very, very pretty, but there are, like, six of him, so I'll live. Ibrehem is picking a woman. The last woman. Will we have to listen to Wanda's singing or look at Angie's tattoos? He picks...Angie. Goes to show you that if you're going to be potentially annoying, you should try to do it without audio. Everyone looks all sad, because the last thing they expected when they came on Survivor was to have to make choices that made other people get thrown out of the game. I don't know where they kidnapped these unwilling participants, but I'm starting to think it was from the line for tickets to a Dr. Phil taping.

Jonathan and Wanda head out onto the boat, and everyone on the beach applauds as they leave, which is utterly pukey. There is crying on the beach. Because they just love crazy-ass Wanda, whom they just met and don't like and would report to the cops if she were singing on the sidewalk in front of wherever they live. James gives two of the girls a hug. ("Now yoo don' setcher hart ta' worryin' 'bout no folk got burgers whahll you still stuck on rahce fer no month....") And then as the boat pulls away, Wanda, still clad in her bra and slip, gets up and blows a zillion kisses. And then she starts singing. Everyone on the beach smiles, thinking, "Aww, that's sort of touching, and it makes me feel a lot better about getting rid of her." Jonathan, on the boat: "I survived cancer for this?" That was an incredibly unconvincing display of sentimentality, I have to say. Cheap, cheap, cheap. ["Having been to camp and remembering the kind of drama you can get into with people you've known for a short period of time, but under intense circmstances, I will give them the benefit of the doubt as to its legitimacy. On the other hand, when I was at camp, I was, like, eight." -- Wing Chun] Jolanda interviews that she was so sad, but now she's going to "refocus." Refocus, Jolanda!

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Survivor

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