Last week on Survivor: Susan snitted and Rudy pranced. We learned that Dirk doesn't want to play; he just wants to bang on his Bible all day. The Pagong tribe got down and dirty while a personal flotation device did little to prevent Gervase from almost drowning. Stayfree snarked herself right off the island, leading an exodus of other rats and assorted nasty creatures.
The night vision shots, usually reserved for rodents, show Ramoaner fussing in the tent with wide-open glowing rat-eyes. Apparently, Pagong did not have an easy night in the storm, and Gervase tells us that "everybody was just wet." Which does happen when it rains. Ramoaner, queen of all who enunciate says, "It was. The worst. Night. I've ever. Slept." Gretchen tells us she spent six years in the Air Force Survivor School, and I'm really hoping she doesn't mean six years straight, where she learned to make fires and build shelters. I know B.B. was a buster, but if Gretchen was so well-informed and was truly convinced that building their tent on the beach was a mistake, I don't know why she didn't stand her ground. It's not like any members of the tribe were dying to accommodate B.B. Of course the directors, editors, camera crew, hair and makeup stylists, and caterers all know why she didn't, but they don't choose to share that information with us -- which is exactly what's wrong with shows like this: We can watch fifteen jiggle shots of Richard running down the beach, but we can't get a little clarity. Would that be too much to ask? Gretchen calmly berates Joel for leaving his shovel where it was when he finished digging, and he futilely tries to argue. Just put your damn toys away, Joel, when Mom tells you to. And don't play ball in the house! Gretchen tells the tribe, "You wanna blow me off? Fine. But we gotta organize this. I don't wanna sleep in that tent any more, okay? You can sleep on the beach if you want to. I don't wanna sleep on the beach any more. I don't want to be anti-social but I'm going into the woods." Either Gretchen's really flustered or she's been taking public speaking lessons from Sean. Colleen suggests that they all go together and Jenna, who can make fun out of an enema, announces that it's "so exciting when you get to move to a new place!"
While the team is moving logs around, Gretchen tells us: "If this were, right now, each man for himself, Greg would be the victor. He's relaxed. He's not fighting this. It's not, like, a battle for him." It's a battle for me to have to watch his clown antics, but I guess no one gives a rat's tasty little leg about that, huh? We are then treated to our first shot of Greg, who is barking orders into a phone fashioned from a coconut. He's actually conversing with a pretend-person on the other end of the cocophone. One of the two-year-olds where I volunteer does exactly the same thing with a banana. Greg tells us in a confessional, "The nature phone is really a way that I kinda keep in touch with the greater spirit out here." He then makes matters worse by adding, "You get reception everywhere. You're always in communicado with everything, with everyone. And, uh, you know it's light, it's quick, it's easy and it's relatively inexpensive." ["My money is definitely on Greg in the Who Will Go Crazy and Injure Themselves or Others Pool." -- Toenail] It's also useless and ludicrous and painfully unfunny, but I guess they edited out the part where he said that. And I wish he'd learn the meaning of the phrase and in communicado himself right off the island. The editing in this episode is particularly irritating, because it seems to me that they've just picked members of the tribe staring off into the distance and made it look as if they're responding to Greg's behavior. Gretchen tells us that Greg manipulates the group without them realizing it, and "in his own way he's the leader." God (or Dirk) help them all.